Vulnerable Connection, Coping, and 3 Q's to Ask Your Kids Daily // with Cai Graham

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when they become teenagers, our role as parents changes.

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We sort of, like it or not, have to start treating our kids more

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as young adults and as equals.

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So we go from manager to mentor and that's when we have to start guiding and that's

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where we have to start role modeling.

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And if we want to talk kids to start opening up to us,

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we need to open up to them as well.

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We need to be the change we want to see.

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Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Welcome to know them.

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Be them, raise them a show.

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So to help busy, mindful, and growth oriented moms of girls stay

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informed and inspired, especially.

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Through their daughters, tween and teen years.

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I'm your host Carmelita two.

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If you like what you hear or you find something helpful in this podcast.

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Please hit, subscribe or follow.

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help, but they actually do help other listeners find this show.

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So thank you in advance for your support and thanks to all of

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you who have already done so.

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It really, really means so much.

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My guest today is Chi gram.

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She's a parenting and teen mentor.

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Podcaster international speaker and bestselling author of the team toolbox.

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She's a mom of of two fantastic young adults.

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So she's been deep in the parenting trenches.

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Kai has blended nearly three decades.

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Needs of motherhood with her background as a master practitioner in NLP hypnosis.

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Hypnotherapy and coaching together with her experience as a Childline counselor.

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To create her team toolbox series, which provides parents and teenagers with the

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tools to successfully navigate the vital and sometimes Rocky stages of adolescents.

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It's her mission to help parents to support their children so that together

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we can build a mentally healthier and happier generation of young people.

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Kai was here before in episode 40 to talk about self-harm.

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She unpacked why it happens and how we can best support our kids.

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If they are contemplating or engaging in self harm.

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Today our discussion is centered around connection and coping.

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Why it's so important for parents to show up with the vulnerability.

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Questions.

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We can ask to foster deeper connection with our kids.

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And healthy Coping techniques Here's our conversation

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we like our kids to look to us to go mum and dad had got

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the answers but sometimes we don't.

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And actually sometimes it's a bit of a relief for kids to realize that we don't

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have it all mapped out because they don't.

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And it's like, well, we'll get through this, we'll do this.

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And it's putting the positive on a negative situation and

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going, come on, we've got this.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:02:49

yeah.

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In together and we will move forward as quickly or slowly as you need.

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Because sometimes as I said, we've rolled up our sleeves and go, right,

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well, we'll have this sorted in a week and it doesn't always work like that.

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And I think the thing is to remember your child is an adult in waiting.

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And as a teenager, they want independence.

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So sometimes we have to go slowly.

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We have to respect their wishes, respect what they are going through.

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And that can be really frustrating when you think that you have all the

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answers and you know, but it's just in order to gain your child's trust.

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It's a matter of sort of giving them the reigns a bit.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:03:31

Two things that I really appreciate about.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:03:33

Kind of walking alongside them.

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Um, one is, it's not me against you.

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If there's a disagreement or an issue it's us against the problem.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:03:43

And, and so reframing it that way, like you were saying about, we're a team we're

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in this together, we're, we'll figure it out together and I have your back.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:03:52

I think that that perspective shift is so great because I.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:03:56

Definitely inclined to fix.

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And so,

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so

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us are, I think.

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Yeah.

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Yeah,

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:04:02

but also the ability to show your kids, that you

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don't have it all figured out and that you make mistakes too, or just are,

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feeling things and figuring things out as you go showing them that also gives

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them permission to feel like that's okay.

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And that's something I'm definitely learning for myself.

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A lot of families don't grow up talking about feelings very much, myself included.

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But giving them that permission by modeling that for them is I would

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:04:28

think a huge cycle breaker and shift in hopefully generational patterns to come.

Cai Graham: 00:04:34

I think many of us are, you know, especially sort of my age.

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I was bought up in a generation of children should be seen and not heard.

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And so we as parents that's how we've been.

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Dare.

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I say it programmed.

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And yet suddenly the goalposts have changed and we're doing it all

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differently and it just feels uneasy.

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And we don't know how to talk about feelings and we don't know how to

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talk about emotions and that's okay.

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When.

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Uh, vulnerable.

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It shows the, our strength and our courage of being able to get it wrong.

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And I think kids need to see that nowadays they have this rose tinted social

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media world where everything's perfect and actually, you know, it's any sign

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of failure or not being able to cope is, is always looked upon negatively.

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So if we, as parents can role model the fact that it's all right.

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If you don't have it all mapped out, it's all right.

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If you fall down, you just need to dust yourself up and

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take the learnings from it.

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. As parents when we, when our kids are teenagers, we beat ourselves up.

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So for flip sake I've been doing this for at least 10 years.

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Surely I should know what I'm doing by now.

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And actually we don't because the goalposts keep on changing and, you know,

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When you sort five years old, you're micromanaging them and you know,

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making sure the pack lunches fine and Dustin and down when they don't

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get sort of, spelling and all that sort of stuff, and you're sort

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of managing them and that's fine.

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When they become teenagers, you can't manage a teenager.

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It just doesn't happen.

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And our role as parents changes.

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We sort of, like it or not, have to start treating our kids more

Cai Graham: 00:06:11

as young adults and as equals.

Cai Graham: 00:06:14

So we go from manager to mentor and that's when we have to start guiding and that's

Cai Graham: 00:06:21

where we have to start role modeling.

Cai Graham: 00:06:23

And if we want to talk kids to start opening up to us,

Cai Graham: 00:06:27

we need to open up to them as well.

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We need to be the change we want to see.

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So it's quite hard for many parents, but if we leave ourselves

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vulnerable, if we still go, I don't quite know what I'm doing here.

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I don't mean sort of to tell them about you know, you're defaulting

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on your mortgage payments.

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But what I do mean is, you know, I'm sort of struggling here

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because this is how I'm feeling.

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And kids can then sort of see, well, okay mom or dad, or whoever is having a

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hard time, but they're working through it.

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They're still laughing and joking.

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They're still able to put one foot in front of the other and it is

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it's mentoring and showing your kids how to deal with difficult

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situations, complex emotions.

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That is showing them how to deal with it without resorting to self harm, which

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is that sort of that instant physical hit that takes away the emotional pain.

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Um, and I'll tell you I've got a good exercise.

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Very briefly.

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Forgive me.

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It's trying to find some information, how to communicate with your child

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a little bit better without giving them the Spanish inquisition.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:07:42

Okay.

Cai Graham: 00:07:42

And this cause teenagers don't want to talk to their parents, you

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know?

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W why would they, so it's three questions that you should probably ask once a

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day, too much and it loses its impact.

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But this is for parents say that they know.

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I don't quite know what's going on in my child's life, but I, think it's okay.

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The first question is what's your number and that's on a scale of one to

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10, how you're feeling, you know, one being very, very dark, suicidal, and 10

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being, oh, skipping through the tulips.

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You don't need to worry about me.

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And if you hear that once a day, you go, oh, all right.

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They were a seven today and there are six that that's okay.

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Or there are certain yesterday, but now there are three, hang on a minute.

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What's going on.

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So that's your first question.

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Your second question is what's your word?

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And what you're looking for is a describing word for your child

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to tell you how they're feeling.

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And invariably, it starts off angry, and, and, you know, you can start unpacking it.

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Is that the same angry as yesterday?

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And they go, oh no, no, no, no.

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Yesterday I was angry because I got an F in math.

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Well, why did you, well, I didn't submit my work.

Cai Graham: 00:08:43

Oh, okay.

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But why are you angry today that, oh, so-and-so said something, you

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know, in line and it made me feel sort of, you know, really small.

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Okay.

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That's a dip that could be betrayal that could be judged.

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You know, this gives you, this is a skill.

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It gives your child the emotional intelligence to start working

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out how they're feeling.

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This starts giving them labels.

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Oh, okay.

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I'm actually not as bad as I thought I was today, or this is actually what's going

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on and yeah, I'm right to feel this way.

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And it helps them to develop an emotional maturity.

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question and you have to abide by this as a parent is, "do you want to talk?"

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And embarrassingly, the answer is no, no.

Cai Graham: 00:09:21

Oh God, no, no.

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I mean, I use this no seriously again, no way.

Cai Graham: 00:09:26

And then you get that 95% of the time, 5% of the time you might just go.

Cai Graham: 00:09:32

Yes.

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And then.

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You sit back and you go is now a good time.

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And your child might sort of go, no, I need to get my head straight, but

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I'll come back to, or they might go.

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Yeah.

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Could we that.

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Then don't sit them across the table and do the Spanish inquisition.

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Go for a walk, bake cookies, go for a drive.

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But something that opens up that dialogue and it's basically: shoot.

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Tell me, tell me what's going on.

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What's happening in your life.

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And it could just be tiny stuff that we still need to hear about because

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when we listened to the tiny stuff and they trust us, they'll start

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telling us about the big stuff.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:10:07

Hmm.

Cai Graham: 00:10:08

And that opens up the dialogue and that tells your child.

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Oh, they've got my back I'm okay.

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And so if that gives them the safety blanket to know that you're there to

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support them, and it allows you to realize on a sliding scale, they doing

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all right or no, they're struggling a bit.

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And I need to just pay a bit more attention and watch

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out to what's going on.

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Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Those are so helpful.

Cai Graham: 00:10:31

I, I mean, on so many levels.

Cai Graham: 00:10:33

There's a, a part of me that loves data.

Cai Graham: 00:10:35

Right.

Cai Graham: 00:10:36

And looking at things big picture so that consistent showing up and questioning

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and encouraging them to have that self-awareness and then having that

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over time, not just once every six months or once when you see them looking

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upset, but even on good days, you know?

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So I, Yeah.

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it's, it's, it's a really wonderful way to get that information.

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And then.

Cai Graham: 00:10:57

I completely relate to when they say yes, I'd like to talk and

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not sitting across from them.

Cai Graham: 00:11:04

I just noticed this about myself as I became an adult was the most intense

Cai Graham: 00:11:09

conversations I had with my mom tended to be when we were in the car and I

Cai Graham: 00:11:12

didn't have to look at her in the eye.

Cai Graham: 00:11:14

Um, we were, I could stare at something else, you know, so, that all resonates

Cai Graham: 00:11:18

and makes so much sense and it's easy.

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It feels attainable.

Cai Graham: 00:11:22

It is.

Cai Graham: 00:11:23

And I think that the great thing about that is, as you say, this is

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positive, as opposed to, you know, the negative, you know, I am feeling

Cai Graham: 00:11:29

an eight out of 10 and I'm feeling sort of, you know, hugely relieved.

Cai Graham: 00:11:33

Great.

Cai Graham: 00:11:33

Let's talk about that and no, you're all right.

Cai Graham: 00:11:35

I'm fine.

Cai Graham: 00:11:36

Other times, and it is celebrated helps you celebrate your child's

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wins as well as their struggles.

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And so that just gives you a little glimpse into what's going on

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because let's face it as parents.

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We are desperate for information, but the older they get, the less we get.

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And so at least this is giving them the control to give us as much information

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as, as they want to, but it's giving us the control that we're probably getting

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the basic information that we need.

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So that helps us just regulate what's going on at home.

Cai Graham: 00:12:09

It's best to start this, not when the chips are down, it's best to start this

Cai Graham: 00:12:13

when everything's going well, so that, and you will get them when you hit struggles.

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And when your child hits struggles, you are more briefed with what's

Cai Graham: 00:12:23

going on and that they are used to sort of communicating with you.

Cai Graham: 00:12:28

And they know that actually we are coming as parents.

Cai Graham: 00:12:32

From a place of the best of intentions to support them rather than to make them feel

Cai Graham: 00:12:37

bad about whatever's going on in their world, because they are still developing.

Cai Graham: 00:12:42

They are still young, they are still learning and we can

Cai Graham: 00:12:46

hopefully guide them to something.

Cai Graham: 00:12:48

And it might, it might be professional help, or it might just be, you know,

Cai Graham: 00:12:53

they do say a problem shares is a problem halved, and maybe it's just sort of.

Cai Graham: 00:12:57

I don't know what's going on.

Cai Graham: 00:12:59

It's just chaos.

Cai Graham: 00:12:59

And the point is, is, yeah, but sweetheart, didn't you see, I had

Cai Graham: 00:13:03

the same sort of rubbish going on a couple of days ago, but we get

Cai Graham: 00:13:06

through this together and that's just mirroring to your child that actually,

Cai Graham: 00:13:11

yeah, I'm afraid life does strike out curve balls, but it's all right.

Cai Graham: 00:13:15

It's not the end of the world.

Cai Graham: 00:13:17

And we can deal with them together, which is a lot healthier way of doing that.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:13:22

yes.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:13:23

Uh, on that note, do you have any other suggestions as to

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:13:27

coping strategies for teens?

Cai Graham: 00:13:29

The, the immediate chaos in my head the best way to deal

Cai Graham: 00:13:33

with that is breathing exercises.

Cai Graham: 00:13:35

Um, and you know, some people call it belly breath, some call it, box breathing.

Cai Graham: 00:13:40

You know, a lot of schools are now teaching this because breath

Cai Graham: 00:13:44

work is the fastest way to press pause in a chaotic mind.

Cai Graham: 00:13:49

You know, if you ever sort of see, you know, you've been to an interview

Cai Graham: 00:13:52

or you're just about to make a phone call, we just sort of sit down and just

Cai Graham: 00:13:57

stop and just take five deep breaths.

Cai Graham: 00:14:00

It helps us ground ourselves better.

Cai Graham: 00:14:03

Um, a lot of kids love music, they sort of find that music as a sort

Cai Graham: 00:14:09

of great outlet for just, you know, sorting out the chaos in their heads.

Cai Graham: 00:14:14

A great way I would suggest is journaling.

Cai Graham: 00:14:18

Um, because that allows us to get, get rid of all this rubbish in our head.

Cai Graham: 00:14:23

And sometimes, you know, you just need to put it down on paper.

Cai Graham: 00:14:26

You can keep a journal and it could be lovely or you can get it out on

Cai Graham: 00:14:30

paper, scribbling it up and burn it or get rid of it or whatever.

Cai Graham: 00:14:33

But it's just that physical act of getting this chaos out.

Cai Graham: 00:14:38

It doesn't have to make sense.

Cai Graham: 00:14:39

Um, and sometimes I suggest having a journaling practice.

Cai Graham: 00:14:43

So you do this you know, either each morning, sometimes it's chaotic

Cai Graham: 00:14:47

for school, so maybe each evening.

Cai Graham: 00:14:49

And it's just getting rid of all that.

Cai Graham: 00:14:51

Um, another great technique.

Cai Graham: 00:14:54

Actually, when I worked in schools, this was a technique that the

Cai Graham: 00:14:57

teenagers loved the most, which is called emotional freedom technique,

Cai Graham: 00:15:02

otherwise known as tapping.

Cai Graham: 00:15:04

I've got a video on it, but you can Google it.

Cai Graham: 00:15:07

EFT or tapping.

Cai Graham: 00:15:08

And there's a fantastic guy called Brad Yates who has a full

Cai Graham: 00:15:13

YouTube channel devoted to this.

Cai Graham: 00:15:17

I call it acupuncture without the needles, because it releases that

Cai Graham: 00:15:21

tension and pressure through.

Cai Graham: 00:15:23

We all have sort of energy running through us and sometimes it gets

Cai Graham: 00:15:27

trapped and we feel really stressed.

Cai Graham: 00:15:29

And you tapped away on various pressure points, where the acupuncture

Cai Graham: 00:15:33

needle is going, that, you know, and, and that is a great way.

Cai Graham: 00:15:37

that was the one, you know, told teenagers about all these things and they know

Cai Graham: 00:15:40

what actually tapping was the thing that worked for us, because you can do it on

Cai Graham: 00:15:44

your face, which is fine, but you probably wouldn't want to do that waiting for a

Cai Graham: 00:15:48

bus, or you can just tap on the nail beds.

Cai Graham: 00:15:51

Um, but do that under the desk or when you're starting.

Cai Graham: 00:15:55

With your hands in your pockets or something.

Cai Graham: 00:15:57

That was the one that , even though it looks bonkers, it's the

Cai Graham: 00:16:01

one that works the best for kids.

Cai Graham: 00:16:03

So, or the one that they liked the best as well.

Cai Graham: 00:16:05

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: That's so fascinating to me.

Cai Graham: 00:16:06

I love discovering new things and um, I definitely have to check that out.

Cai Graham: 00:16:11

Yeah, the breathing techniques fabulous.

Cai Graham: 00:16:12

Because you can be doing that sitting on a bus, you can do is sitting in the exam,

Cai Graham: 00:16:16

you know, no one knows what's going on?

Cai Graham: 00:16:18

So you don't actually sort of have to look like you're having a meltdown.

Cai Graham: 00:16:22

You can just sit there and go hang on a minute.

Cai Graham: 00:16:24

In one minute, after I've done this, I will feel calmer.

Cai Graham: 00:16:27

And it really, really helps.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:16:30

Such good tips, such good advice.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:16:32

Thank you so much.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:16:33

Kai.

Cai Graham: 00:16:34

My pleasure.

Cai Graham: 00:16:35

Thank you so much.

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I'm so grateful for my time with Chi.

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She has a reassuring and Frank way of encouraging people that left me feeling.

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I.

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I guess capable, uh, empowered and, kind of excited to try these

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questions and tools with my daughters.

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So here are my top takeaways from this episode.

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Number one.

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Not only is it okay to be.

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The vulnerable with your kids, but it's beneficial for them.

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For many kids, it's a relief to hear that their parents don't have it.

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Figured out.

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Also you'll be role modeling to them that it's okay to admit

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you don't know something and you can lean into learning together.

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Together.

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And you'll show them that you have the strength and courage to be wrong.

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Number two.

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While we were managers when our kids were younger.

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We're more like mentors in this state.

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If we want kids to start opening up to us, we need to open up to them as well.

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Number three.

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Tweens and teens are adults in the making.

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They need to feel some degree of independence and autonomy in the process

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of managing their emotions and problems.

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We have to walk alongside them and respect what they're going through and

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the pace of their healing or growth.

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Which might be the Frustrating if you have the tendency to

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want to fix things right away

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Number four.

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Here are Kai's three questions that we can ask of our tweens and teens.

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Number one, what's your number of how you're feeling from one to 10?

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Number two.

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What's your word to describe how you're feeling today.

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And number three.

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Do you want to talk?

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Asking these consistently will increase your child's emotional self-awareness

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and strengthen their vocabulary.

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Tabulary for emotions and it'll give you a bit of insight into their world.

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Plus you'll remind.

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Find them often that you are there for them and have their back.

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Number five to help with coping and managing emotions.

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Encourage your tween or teen to explore breathing exercises.

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Listening to music that helps to ground them.

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I'm journaling.

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And EFT or tapping.

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Kai has provided links to videos.

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She's.

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Is created on breathing exercises and tapping.

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Those In the show notes so check those out

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To learn more about Cai Graham.

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Visit www.kaigraham.com.

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. That's C a I G R a H a m.com.

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You can also follow her on Instagram at Chi gram.

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And find her on Facebook, her Facebook @thecaigraham.

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And her Facebook group.

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Is called the parent and teen toolbox.

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A huge thanks for listening.

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If you found something helpful or insightful.

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Remember to subscribe or follow, tell a friend and leave a review

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on apple podcasts and Spotify.

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I'm honored and humbled to share a portion of your day with you.

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And here's to strong women.

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May we know them, may we be them?