Episode 40

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Published on:

14th Jun 2022

Self Harm: What It Is, Why It Happens & How to Respond // with Cai Graham

Self-Harm and kids. What parent isn’t struck with anxiety when they think of their child contemplating self harm?  What leads to self-harm becoming an option?

(Warning: this episode discusses self-harm from an educational perspective. There are no personal stories or graphic experiences, but we do discuss what self-harm can look like.  For some, this might be difficult or you may choose not to listen to this around young children.  I encourage everyone to assess their situations, take care of themselves, and if you need additional resources, see the links to NAMI and the Crisis Textline below.)

In Ep. 40, Cai Graham unpacks all of this with host Carmelita (Cat) Tiu in a frank discussion about the origins of self-harm and how we can respond.

Some highlights:

  • What self-harm is & isn’t
  • The roots of tween & teen self-harm
  • The 3 reasons kids say they self-harm
  • The first thing to do when you discover your child is self harming
  • What NOT to do when you find out about self-harm

Guest Bio:

Cai Graham is a Parenting & Teen Mentor, Podcaster, International Speaker and Amazon #1 bestselling author of The Teen Toolbox™️. Cai has blended nearly three decades of motherhood with her background as a Master Practitioner in: NLP, Hypnotherapy and Coaching, together with her experience as a ChildLine counsellor to create her TEEN Toolbox™️ Series  which provides parents and teenagers with the tools to successfully navigate this vital (and sometimes rocky) stages of adolescence.

To learn more about Cai Graham:

In this episode – references and additional resources:

Know Them, Be Them, Raise Them

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Transcript
Cai Graham:

this is more of a path that you're going to have to walk together

Cai Graham:

with your child so that between you, they can conquer whatever it is.

Cai Graham:

They need to conquer knowing full well that you are by

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their side to support them.

Cai Graham:

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Hello, all I'm Carmelita too.

Cai Graham:

And welcome to know them.

Cai Graham:

Be them, raise them a show to help busy, mindful growth oriented moms stay

Cai Graham:

informed and inspired as they navigate their daughter's tween and teen years.

Cai Graham:

Tune in each week to hear from experts, authors, moms who've been there and

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here a curated selection of articles read with the author's permission.

Cai Graham:

Of course.

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If you like what you hear or you find something helpful in the

Cai Graham:

podcast, hit, subscribe or follow.

Cai Graham:

tell your friends and leave a review on apple podcasts or Spotify.

Cai Graham:

I would so appreciate it.

Cai Graham:

Before I head into today's episode, I do want to mention that I'll

Cai Graham:

be talking about self harm.

Cai Graham:

From an educational perspective.

Cai Graham:

There are no personal stories or graphic experiences.

Cai Graham:

But we do discuss what it is, why it happens and so on.

Cai Graham:

For some, this might be difficult or you may choose not to listen

Cai Graham:

to this around young children.

Cai Graham:

I encourage everyone to assess their situations, take care of yourselves.

Cai Graham:

And if you need additional resources, head to naimi.org, the national

Cai Graham:

Alliance on mental illness.

Cai Graham:

That's N a M i.org.

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Or check out the crisis text line@crisistextline.org.

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You can also check the show notes for these links.

Cai Graham:

So I don't think I'm alone when I say that self harm is the kind of topic that

Cai Graham:

you know exists, but you hope you never have to deal with directly as a parent.

Cai Graham:

It's frightening to think about your tween or teen hurting themselves on purpose.

Cai Graham:

For a long time.

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I buried my head in the sand, hoping that I could avoid it.

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But through friends and family, as our kids have moved from toddlers to big kids.

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Into their tweens and teens.

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I've come to realize it's much more common than I initially thought.

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And it seems to lurk near the surface of our realities more often than we think.

Cai Graham:

My guest today, Cai gram.

Cai Graham:

Is here to shed some light on this topic.

Cai Graham:

Cai is a parenting teen and mentor, a podcaster, international speaker

Cai Graham:

and Amazon number one, best-selling author of the Teen toolbox.

Cai Graham:

She's a mom of two fantastic young adults in their late twenties.

Cai Graham:

So she's been deep in the parenting trenches.

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Kai blends, nearly three decades of motherhood.

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With her background as a master practitioner in NLP hypnotherapy

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and coaching together with her experience as a Childline counselor.

Cai Graham:

To create her teen toolbox series, which provides parents and teenagers with the

Cai Graham:

tools to successfully navigate the vital and sometimes Rocky stages of adolescence.

Cai Graham:

It's her mission to help parents to support their children so that together

Cai Graham:

we can build a mentally healthier and happier generation of young people.

Cai Graham:

Here's our conversation.

Cai Graham:

Cai.

Cai Graham:

I'm so excited to have you share your voice and expertise.

Cai Graham:

I really Appreciate you being here.

Cai Graham:

so appreciate you giving me this opportunity.

Cai Graham:

So thank you.

Cai Graham:

And um, if we can help the listeners just get a handle, um, on this

Cai Graham:

topic, then that's important.

Cai Graham:

I think everyone wins.

Cai Graham:

Okay.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

Diving right in, self-harm, and having

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

tweens and teens that may be considering it, or in this space,

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

it feels so scary to me as a parent.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

you know I've been there on the receiving side of messages

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

about contemplation of that.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

And I honestly struggle and I think a lot of parents First of all there.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

I have no clue what to do when they hear about it or discover it.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

So can you shed some light on what self-harm really is and, and

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

maybe starting with the origins and then we'll go from there.

Cai Graham:

Let's let's do that First of all.

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I want to validate.

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Parents' feelings because it's a scary topic and it's a scary thing to even

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have to think about when you know that your baby is struggling because

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it's our job, isn't it, to look after them, it's our job to protect them.

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And if, if we sort of suddenly hear that there's a possibility of

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self-harm or that it's still going on you know, with your child, it's.

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It's confusing.

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UN the guilt sort of hits us, but also there's a massive amount of fear.

Cai Graham:

And I think a lot of the reason is because for many of us, we come from

Cai Graham:

parenting from experience and we come from parents and well, you know, ask me

Cai Graham:

about sort of English or math homework.

Cai Graham:

And I'll be able to sort of help you out a bit there, but when

Cai Graham:

it comes to self-harm, many of us haven't walked that path.

Cai Graham:

Many of us don't end it because I know in my day, whether or not

Cai Graham:

it was going on or not, well, the tide weed and spoke about it.

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And

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spoke about mental health.

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So self harm, certainly I would, I would hesitate to say that

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never happened in our day.

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But it was never spoken about, so we didn't know about it.

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So therefore, how can we pull on our own personal resources and

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we've got no experience of it.

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So hence the fear.

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So I think we need to just say that's natural.

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Don't start beating yourself up if you know, if you are all you

Cai Graham:

can feel is negativity and all you can feel is sort of fair.

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What I would say.

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It's like flip this.

Cai Graham:

Totally.

Cai Graham:

If you hear that your child is contemplating or is self-harming.

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There's a massive positive here is that you are now let into

Cai Graham:

their world a little bit more.

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And now you can, you have the opportunity to support them.

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Because if you didn't know about it, you wouldn't be able to support them.

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But now you do know about it.

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Then there are things that you can do.

Cai Graham:

So that that's the sort of validation about what's going on as far

Cai Graham:

as the parents are concerned.

Cai Graham:

Um, let's start off.

Cai Graham:

I worked with UK largest, sort of child counseling service for a very long time.

Cai Graham:

And their definition for self-harm is hurting yourself

Cai Graham:

or damaging yourself on purpose.

Cai Graham:

Right.

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Self-harm could be cutting.

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Or bruising or hitting oneself or burning oneself.

Cai Graham:

Um, there are other schools who thought, because if we go back to

Cai Graham:

the sort of definition of hurting yourself intentionally in some way, it

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could be eating disorders because.

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Hurting our body by showing food, it could be drugs.

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It could be addictions, it could be alcohol, it could be smoking.

Cai Graham:

It depends what sort of school of thought you're thinking.

Cai Graham:

It could be intentional quite bad risk taking.

Cai Graham:

basically when your child is behaving in a way that is detrimental

Cai Graham:

to their wellbeing, I think.

Cai Graham:

So let's think about that.

Cai Graham:

Anyone that is self-harming is hurting themselves to make themselves feel

Cai Graham:

better, that that doesn't even make sense, does it, but that's what's happening.

Cai Graham:

And so really, when I speak to kids and I'm going, you

Cai Graham:

know, what's motivating this?

Cai Graham:

They are just trying to put the brakes on.

Cai Graham:

They're just trying to stop the chaos in their head.

Cai Graham:

There is so much emotional turmoil going on.

Cai Graham:

It's a bit like a runaway train that they can't stop.

Cai Graham:

They can't stop this bleak, dark feeling.

Cai Graham:

And yet by hurting themselves.

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Instant physical pain that suddenly takes over and that the emotional

Cai Graham:

pain stops for a minute because suddenly there's that physical.

Cai Graham:

And that is so much more instant that it just gets rid of the chaos in the

Cai Graham:

head for that short period of time.

Cai Graham:

And that's sort of.

Cai Graham:

Why they're doing it in a nutshell.

Cai Graham:

I mean,

Cai Graham:

please appreciate that it's like peeling back the layers of the onion.

Cai Graham:

It is different for every person why they're doing it.

Cai Graham:

Some kids don't even know why they're doing it, but most of the time it's

Cai Graham:

trying to just please can it just stop?

Cai Graham:

Does that make sense?

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

What struck me as you were talking was

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

I've heard, mindset coaches talk about when you find yourself in a

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

negative head space, you have to do something to kind of short circuit

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

where your mind is going.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

And of course there are healthy alternatives that adults are encouraged

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

to use, like taking a walk or exercising or doing something else.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

Now that you've talk about this, it's the same desire.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

It's the same outcome that they want of stopping those negative feelings.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

And I hadn't tied those two together that this is a way for

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

kids to feel like they're coping.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

Um,

Cai Graham:

it is.

Cai Graham:

Well, that's the thing.

Cai Graham:

It's a coping strategy.

Cai Graham:

And when you actually go onto or websites on child forums and, . Kids

Cai Graham:

or so saying I'm really struggling.

Cai Graham:

I'm having a really hard time.

Cai Graham:

I can't deal with this.

Cai Graham:

The stresses are too much and the answer is, well, what are you doing about it?

Cai Graham:

Well, some people are writing journals.

Cai Graham:

Some people go for walks.

Cai Graham:

Some people are self-harming well, hang on a minute.

Cai Graham:

As an eight year old, let's say, or even an 18 year old, well I've tried

Cai Graham:

journaling and that didn't work.

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And I've tried walking that doesn't work.

Cai Graham:

I'll give self-harm ago.

Cai Graham:

No no no no.

Cai Graham:

And this is why when I said there is a positive for parents if they find

Cai Graham:

out that their child is self-harming, is that they can go hang on a minute.

Cai Graham:

You're trying to interrupt one cycle.

Cai Graham:

But with, uh, in air quotes solution, that actually is also hurting you.

Cai Graham:

So let's see if we can do something differently.

Cai Graham:

In NLP we call is a pattern interrupt.

Cai Graham:

So they are interrupting one pattern, one cycle, trying to stop it, stop

Cai Graham:

the pain, but it's still misinformed and it is not the solution.

Cai Graham:

It's not the answer, but it's one way that some kids find, it

Cai Graham:

just stops all the other rubbish,

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

Hmm.

Cai Graham:

really is ironic and hardest.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

Yeah, what I love about this perspective on self harm,

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

is it encourages I would think parents like myself to be more compassionate

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

and empathetic as opposed to angry.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

Which I imagine is a common response, like how could you want to do that?

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

It

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

makes no sense,

Cai Graham:

So many parents that just say, well, I've just told

Cai Graham:

them to stop for goodness sake.

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I've ordered them.

Cai Graham:

And the thing is, is the child's not like, oh, thanks dad.

Cai Graham:

Yeah.

Cai Graham:

I never thought about that.

Cai Graham:

I mean, kids want this to stop, but what we need to do is we need to come

Cai Graham:

as you rightly say, we need to come from a place of compassion and we

Cai Graham:

need to understand what's going on.

Cai Graham:

We probably don't understand terribly well because we haven't

Cai Graham:

been through that sort of, that cycle or that experience personally.

Cai Graham:

So we need to be able to understand what is going on in your child's mind.

Cai Graham:

And ultimatums will not get you what you're looking for.

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So it's a matter of working out.

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How you can best support your child and working out the why's.

Cai Graham:

Now why they're doing this?

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There was a survey and basically kids were asked, what are the top

Cai Graham:

three reasons for self-harming?

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The first one was low self-esteem, which covers a multitude of issues.

Cai Graham:

Um, the second one they said was because they were being.

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And the third one was because they said they had depression.

Cai Graham:

Now I just like to sort of do a, a sort of caveat here, depression.

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This was the, the, the kids labeling it.

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What we have to remember, because I have heard from so many young people, they

Cai Graham:

say, I've got depression, I'm depressed.

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I've got depression.

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I go, right.

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Okay.

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Have you been diagnosed and they go, oh no, no, no, I haven't

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been diagnosed, but I just know.

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And the thing is, I think what our kids need to understand is that

Cai Graham:

they might not have depression.

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They might've just had a really bad day or a really bad week or it's exam season.

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And they're having a really rubbish month, you know?

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Cause I think the thing as soon as, as soon as we hear

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labels, we start listening to.

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So I th I think if a child still comes up to me and sort of goes I'm depressed and

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that from, you know, this is happening because I have to call them out on it

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and go, well, maybe this isn't quite right, but let's dig deeper and see why

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you're feeling so rubbish at the minute.

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So it's just trying to understand what is going on in your child's world and what.

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sort of triggering their need for this coping strategy, most of the point, once

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we sort of start understanding how do we start understanding is quite important.

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And the fastest way to do is to start talking with your child

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is opening up that dialogue.

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And, the , you really ought to stop with this.

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Don't you realize it's just not the solution and it doesn't help.

Cai Graham:

It's more to the point let's start asking questions a different way

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and making fewer ultimatums and go.

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I know about this now I'm so glad I found out whether or not your

Cai Graham:

child opened up to you or you found out from a different source.

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And it's basically what you need from me?

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How, how do I support you?

Cai Graham:

How do I help you deal with this?

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Cause self harm is a lot about control.

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So much stuff is out of control that they can control this.

Cai Graham:

Um, and, and it's just being open and listening to what they

Cai Graham:

have to say, because some kids might need practical skills.

Cai Graham:

Um, or practical support.

Cai Graham:

Other kids might need space.

Cai Graham:

I'd like, well now, you know, just leave me alone because they don't know

Cai Graham:

what's going on in their heads, so they might need to get that sorted.

Cai Graham:

But it's just trying to open up that conversation where your child

Cai Graham:

actually feels as though you've got their back rather than yet.

Cai Graham:

Again, you're going to be nagging them and being on their back.

Cai Graham:

Do you know what I mean?

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

right.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

Yeah.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

That, shift from trying to get them to change or.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

And stop being sad and asking, how can I do

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

better?

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

And how can I show up for you?

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

Tell me what you need.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

I can see that resonating differently.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

100% with both parents and the kids.

Cai Graham:

And I think a lot of parents, again, as we said,

Cai Graham:

come in because it's scary.

Cai Graham:

It's confusing.

Cai Graham:

They come in with fear.

Cai Graham:

They come in with ultimatums, they come in with accusations and I think what's

Cai Graham:

also important is just understand that.

Cai Graham:

Cause I've, I've had so many sort of parents sadly, so saying, well, they're

Cai Graham:

just that just looking for attention.

Cai Graham:

And it's what we have to remember is.

Cai Graham:

Self-harm is not attention seeking.

Cai Graham:

And if you just think about, if you've got a child who is cutting themselves,

Cai Graham:

I would say odds on is that they are always wearing baggy jumpers and

Cai Graham:

stuff that covers up all the scars.

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That's not looking for attention.

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That's trying to hide it all the way.

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That's trying to keep it secretive.

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And I think that's the thing we need to understand why is

Cai Graham:

self harm still very secretive.

Cai Graham:

Why is your child trying desperately for you not to know about it?

Cai Graham:

And there are a number of reasons here.

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And number one is mum or dad will over react.

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That's the natural response is like,

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you know, you're hurting yourself and you know, it's just, this is just alien

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unless you followed that path yourself.

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But I'm talking to the masses that probably haven't here.

Cai Graham:

The child is worried about mum and dad overreacting, because

Cai Graham:

they know that it's not right.

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They know that it's probably not the best solution, but something inside them

Cai Graham:

that, you know, your child is, is sort of still driving them to do this because

Cai Graham:

they haven't found another solution yet.

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So we need to address that instead of going, you know, we

Cai Graham:

need to set back and remove our own ego, remove our own emotions.

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This is forgive me.

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has nothing to do with you.

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This is about your child.

Cai Graham:

The second reason is are the kids are saying, I don't want to cause

Cai Graham:

mum or dad or whoever, whoever the significant parent or adult is, I

Cai Graham:

don't want to cause them any more pain.

Cai Graham:

We shouldn't be putting that responsibility on our children.

Cai Graham:

I I'm, I'm struggling.

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I got all this going on in my world, blood run.

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And the last thing I want is to make mum and dad upset and make them feel bad.

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That should not be our child's responsibility.

Cai Graham:

It is our responsibility to manage our own emotions.

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So the first thing that I would suggest if you hear your child is

Cai Graham:

struggling as self-harming, whatever is pull yourself away from the

Cai Graham:

situation and practice self-care.

Cai Graham:

Breathing belly breathing or whatever it is that helps you

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ground yourself and become more grounded, I think is the right word.

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It's just to allow yourself to go, okay.

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Let's assess the situation with less.

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Emotion, how can I support my child with a level head?

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And that's what we need to do.

Cai Graham:

Please don't put another thing for your, child's worry about it's important for the

Cai Graham:

parent to go, okay, I've got this right.

Cai Graham:

Okay.

Cai Graham:

It's not about me.

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I can go and have a meltdown later.

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I need to sit down and support my child as best I can now.

Cai Graham:

And that's, the thing, because.

Cai Graham:

we can't blame our child for bad behavior in air quotes.

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We can't, you know, if we start judging, it's just going to

Cai Graham:

add, to a more negative situation.

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So I think the thing is, , is self-compassion not, oh,

Cai Graham:

well I've failed as a parent.

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It's no no no no like I found out and I can step up now.

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And as a parent, I can do something about this so that I can best support my child.

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In the way my child needs me to support them because suddenly, you

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know, sometimes your child sort of hits a roadblock or a stumbling block.

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You roll up the sleeves and you think right, I can solve.

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That's not our responsibility either.

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Cause then our kids don't learn and grow.

Cai Graham:

So it's, this is more of a path that you're going to have to walk together

Cai Graham:

with your child so that between you, they can conquer whatever it is.

Cai Graham:

They need to conquer knowing full well that you are by their side to support.

Cai Graham:

them

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

Mm.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

Mm, something that came up for me, as you were talking, was.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

How important it is for parents to be aware of how they're showing

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

up and the impact that that has.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

Because I think sometimes we forget that, oh, if we fly off the handle,

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

every time our kid tells us something negative, then they're going to feel less

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

inclined to share big, hard news with us.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

Or if we are frustrated with our own lives or with work, and we put so much

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

of that on them, or we show up in a way that feels uneven and unpredictable,

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

they won't want to add to our stresses.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

so Exactly

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

what you've said, recognizing the need for taking care of ourselves in this, in

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

the parenting journey is so important.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

So we can show up in a more grounded, capable, and even keeled way like a

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

neutral space, a safe space for our kids.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

I think so often we think of self-harm as being something that's just entirely

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

in our kid's control, but they're reacting and making decisions also

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:

based off of how they think we'll react and how we're showing up.

Cai Graham:

Precisely.

Cai Graham:

And I think a lot of this is because their minds are still growing,

Cai Graham:

their brains are still growing that, you know, the adolescent brain

Cai Graham:

doesn't stop sort of developing until the, mid to late twenties.

Cai Graham:

And so everything is in chaos.

Cai Graham:

It could be hormones, you know, a lot of adolescent life, many

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teenagers feel out of control.

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And so self harm is a way of controlling, whatever is going on.

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And I think the thing is, is that we can't control this, but we can help

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them deal with what they're going through in a much more constructive

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manner and a manner where they feel supported and loved and not judged

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because.

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It's confusing for all of us.

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And I think the thing is, is rather than feeling, I need to be able to

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deal with all this and I need to be in full control, rather than I've

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got to sort it because it's hard and your child might not be able

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to even verbalize what's going on..

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I think sometimes turning to your child and going, no idea what's going on,

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but we are going to do this together.

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Let me hear and understand what's going on so that together

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we can make things better

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Let's just take it one day at a time.

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We don't have to have this solution sort of, you know, packaged up to today, but

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I'm with you yes, you might need to go and see doctors and yes, you might need

Cai Graham:

professional support, but the point is now this is a journey your child doesn't

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have to do on their own anymore longer.

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What a powerful conversation with Kai and I'm

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stunned by how much I learned and how many nuances there are to this topic.

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In a separate episode, Kai, we'll dive a bit deeper into how parents

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can show up for their kids.

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The warning signs to watch for and healthy coping strategies.

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So keep an eye out for that.

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But here are my top takeaways from this episode.

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Number one.

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Self-harm put simply is harming oneself on purpose.

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It can manifest in many different ways.

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We most often think of burning or cutting.

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But eating disorders and self-destructive behaviors such as drugs or

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intentionally making bad decisions can also fall under this umbrella.

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Number two.

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Self harm is a coping mechanism.

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It's essentially a pattern interrupt.

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It's short circuits, the internal pain for a moment.

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To end itself harm.

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We have to identify what's motivating it and help our tween or

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teen find healthier ways to cope.

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Number three.

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Self-harm is not attention seeking.

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Number four.

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If you discover that your child is having thoughts of self harm or has

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engaged in self harm, it's natural to experience feelings of guilt and shame.

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Instead of beating yourself up, consider the discovery a positive, it's an

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opportunity to support your child.

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Number five.

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Ultimatums guilt and anger will not get the self harm to stop.

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Instead aim to come from a place of compassion and support.

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You can say, I'm so glad I know about this.

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What do you need from me?

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What can I do to support you?

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How can I help you with this?

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Be open and listen, the goal is to get to a place where they

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see you as having their back.

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Number six.

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If you discover your child is self-harming.

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Have compassion for yourself.

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And strive to show up in a calm non-judgemental way to help open

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up the space for honest dialogue.

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Taking care of yourself on this parenting journey is so important

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so you can approach stressful situations with a level head.

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Number seven.

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We can't control or fix self harm on our own, but we can help our young person.

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And deal with what they're going through in a more constructive manner.

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Where they feel supported and loved and not judged.

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And it's good to tell them that.

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That while you may not fully understand, and you may not know what to do.

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You will always be there to help.

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If you are worried, a family member or friend might be hurting themselves,

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you can also refer them to the crisis text line@crisistextline.org.

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They can provide help in identifying healthy coping alternatives.

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You can text the word connect.

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To 7 4 1 7 4 1 for free 24 7 help for.

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Or self-harm.

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To learn more about Cai Graham.

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Visit www.kaigraham.com.

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. That's C a I G R a H a m.com.

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You can also follow her on Instagram at Chi gram.

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And find her on Facebook, her Facebook @thecaigraham.

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And her Facebook group.

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Is called the parent and teen toolbox.

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A huge thanks for listening.

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If you found something helpful or insightful.

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Remember to subscribe or follow, tell a friend and leave a review

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on apple podcasts and Spotify.

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I'm honored and humbled to share a portion of your day with you.

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And here's to strong women.

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May we know them, may we be them?

Show artwork for Know Them, Be Them, Raise Them

About the Podcast

Know Them, Be Them, Raise Them
Helping moms be & raise strong women
Are you a growth-oriented, mindful and busy #girlmom who wants to raise strong daughters? Me too! This is a show for us -- moms who want to show up with intention, impact and grace, for ourselves and our daughters.


Each episode tackles timely (and sometimes tough) topics, to inform and inspire moms of girls: boundaries, self-care, creating safe spaces, self confidence, intuition, negative patterns, body positivity. I also tackle issues confronting tween/teen girls today, like drops in self-esteem, friendship challenges, peer pressure, consent/dating, body image, gender stereotypes, stress, and more.


Tune in weekly for short episodes (under 25 minutes) filled with inspiration, insights and actionable tips from experts, moms who’ve been there, and host Carmelita Tiu (a mom of two girls herself).


Visit www.knowberaisethem.com and follow @knowberaisethem on Instagram for more info.


And here’s to strong women -- may we know them, may we be them, and may we raise them.

About your host

Profile picture for Carmelita Tiu

Carmelita Tiu

Service, creativity, and human potential -- these things inspire Carmelita Tiu as an attorney, podcaster, creative, educator and parent. After receiving her art degree and law degree, she worked as an attorney at The Oprah Winfrey Show and OWN: The Oprah Winfrey Network for several years, then pivoted to the design and advertising world. She's also held adjunct professorships at DePaul University and Columbia College Chicago, and served on the boards of numerous cultural and community service organizations.

As a curious and committed mom to two daughters, Carmelita recently launched the podcast, "Know Them, Be Them, Raise Them," a show that informs and inspires mindful and growth-oriented moms of girls -- so they can show up for themselves and their daughters the way they want to. "Know Them, Be Them, Raise Them" is on all the major podcast platforms, or head to knowberaisethem.com.

Though she's based in Chicago, she's currently looping around the U.S. with her family for the 2021-22 school year -- a bucket list dive into memory-making, hyperfocusing on the family, and pouring into passion projects.