Unpacking Positivity & Processing Emotions // with Jen Rafferty

Jen Raferty: 00:00:00

it's not about feeling happy and positive all the time.

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It's about knowing who you are, knowing who you wanna be, and then

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making your actions, thoughts, beliefs, language aligned with that.

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Welcome to know them.

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Be them.

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Raise them.

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Uh, show to help busy, mindful growth oriented moms stand formed

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and inspired, especially as they're navigating their daughters tween and

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teen years, I'm your host Carmelita Tiu.

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A couple of housekeeping things before I launch into this episode.

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Number one, shout out to Roxanna Elden who left a really lovely

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review on apple podcasts.

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She said, "great advice I didn't even realize I needed.

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I'm the mother of an almost 10 year old girl.

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So when I stumbled onto this podcast, it seemed worth listening to a few episodes.

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Great advice, not preachy, a combination of new ideas and reminders to help

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with the type of mom I hope to be.

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Looking forward to recommending this to other girl moms."

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thank you roxanna this made my day it definitely motivates me to keep

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putting out content that hopefully will be useful to girl moms everywhere.

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Secondly, if you haven't heard about, the rise and raise collective, make

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sure to stick around till the end.

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I provide a little more information after the episode.

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So, reach out to me if you have any questions on that.

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And lastly, if you like what you hear today, Please follow or subscribe,

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tell a friend and leave a review on apple podcasts or Spotify.

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As you heard, they do mean a lot and you might get a little shout out.

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anytime I have the opportunity to understand our brains better understand

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our wiring so that we can approach life with an informed perspective.

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I just geek out over that.

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So I was very excited to be connected with jen Rafferty,

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founder of the empowered educator.

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An author international public speaker and educator, jen started as a middle

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school music teacher and taught for 15 years in central new york.

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Jen is a certified emotional intelligence practitioner and is currently pursuing

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her PhD in educational psychology.

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Since its inception, the empowered educator has reached teachers and

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school leaders all over the world.

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Jen has been featured in authority magazine, medium, thrive global

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and was on the TEDx stage with her talk, generational change

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begins with empowered teachers.

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She's also the host of the podcast, take notes with Jen Rafferty, which is rated

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in the top 3% of podcasts globally.

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Jen's insatiable curiosity continues to make the empowered educator

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programs relevant and reflective of the most up-to-date research in mindset

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leadership and cognitive neuroscience.

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She's committed to inspiring teachers and school leaders to discover

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their voice and maintain a healthy longevity throughout their careers.

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Here's our conversation

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:03:05

Let's start off with who you are and why you do the work

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:03:09

that you do and why it's important to you.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:03:10

I'd love to hear that.

Jen Raferty: 00:03:11

Sure.

Jen Raferty: 00:03:12

So the, the skinny of it is, I'll start in 2019, everything was going great.

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I was a music teacher in the public schools in middle school for about 15

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years, and I decided, I, I published my book right then also, and I decided

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that, I wanted to get a divorce, which was a mutual decision between me and my

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husband at the time, and I moved out of my house with my two kids who were five

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and seven at the time, the same weekend.

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The world shut down in March, 2020,

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:03:38

Hmm.

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and it was a pretty significant.

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Shift because everything that I thought that I was, the day before

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a wife, I lived in that house.

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I, you know, teaching choir, uh, you know, and, and now I, I'm all

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of a sudden homeschooling my kids.

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I'm a single mom.

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I'm figuring out how to teach music online and I.

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I really hit this place where I needed to reconcile with who I wanted

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to be and, and who I was and, and how to kind of bridge that gap.

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And it's not very often we have those moments where we can ask ourselves

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those questions in a place where it seems like the world has well, and.

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Around us to the ground.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:04:18

Mm-hmm.

Jen Raferty: 00:04:18

while it was a very difficult, you know, transition,

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I am very grateful for that moment moment because it provided a beautiful

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opportunity for me to shift and rebuild and really think about what's important

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to me and how do I wanna structure my life based on my values instead of

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based on what I thought I was supposed to be doing, because society tells me

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I'm supposed to be doing those things.

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So I was able to make a lot of decisions that kind of led me in this new direction.

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I took off what I thought would just be a semester of

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teaching to homeschool my kids.

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That fall of 2020 dove into the work of mindset and cognitive neuroscience.

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That's when I started my PhD in educational psychology and

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went on my own healing journey.

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And through that realized, you know, there's a missing piece here in what

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we're able to provide our kids, not just as parents, but as teachers.

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And when the time came to.

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Decide whether or not I wanted to go back to school.

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My logical mind was saying, of course, Jen, you're this is

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what we were supposed to do.

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You wrote a book about teaching.

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This is who you are.

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And everything inside of my body was screaming at me

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that there is something else.

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Don't go back.

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Follow your intuition.

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Do this new thing.

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And I was in a place where I was in the work enough to trust myself in that.

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And so I wrote my resignation letter.

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I felt amazing.

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And then four days later I was sobbing on my living room floor.

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Like what did I just do?

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Um, cause that's terrifying, you know?

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but that's part of how we change and grow and expands and make impact.

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We do scary things and it's knowing how to bring your body along for the ride,

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which we can talk about in a little bit.

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And so I started my company, which is Empowered Educator, and now I work with

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schools and, uh, particularly teachers, school leaders, front office staff,

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and now even parents, about focusing on the social and emotional wellbeing of

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the adults in all of the kids' lives.

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We do a great job really focusing on what we need for kids and to, to do our best,

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to provide them with what they need.

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But when we leapfrog over the, the adults, these programs are not, Effective or

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they're not as effective because the people who are delivering the information

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are not embodying the practices.

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So that's where my work comes in.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:06:26

Something that, uh, came up as you were sharing this,

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:06:29

this idea of embodiment and, you know, trying to support our kids, as we navigate

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:06:35

life's struggles, I know you've done a little bit of work or maybe more than a

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:06:39

little bit of work on the idea of positive psychology versus toxic positivity.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:06:45

Can you shed some light on, you know, what's the difference?

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:06:49

Let's start there.

Jen Raferty: 00:06:50

Sure.

Jen Raferty: 00:06:51

So positive psychology in and of itself.

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Is wonderful because it opens up a door to possibility.

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Oftentimes when we're like in the situation, we're in the weeds, we, we

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have one perspective of how it is, and it's usually just like, doesn't feel good.

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It just, everything just is gross and terrible and, and it's

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difficult to see our way out of it.

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What positive psychology tells us is that if you use what's we call a reframe, then

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you are able to reframe a situation where it's as if you're sitting at a dining room

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table and you're looking at something from where you were sitting at the head of the

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table that's in the middle of the table.

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And a reframe essentially is if you get up from your chair and you just move to

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a different chair and that same thing that's in the middle, you actually

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see from a different perspective and therefore you can kind of shift into

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something that's maybe not so terrible and awful, but something that has now.

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a positive outlook or a new opportunity or possibility and.

Jen Raferty: 00:07:47

That in of itself is great.

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However, where it gets a little bit sticky and becomes toxic is when

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we throw like glitter and sprinkles and rainbows and butterflies on a

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problem that really doesn't feel good.

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And so what we do is this like gratitude bypass or this positivity bypass where

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we we're experiencing something that is not great, where we feel resentful or

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angry or frustrated or overwhelmed, but then we say to ourselves, well, I wanna

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stay positive so at least I'm healthy.

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Or at least they still have a job, or at least, you know, my kids

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aren't in jail or like, whatever.

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Like fill in the blank, right?

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It doesn't matter what it is.

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and so we bypass the emotion of what we're feeling in an effort to think positive,

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and that's where it becomes toxic.

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Because what happens then is that we're not actually processing our emotions,

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we're just shoving them down in our body.

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Now, thoughts happen in our mind.

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Feelings happen in our body.

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And when we feel these lower level emotions that are disempowering,

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not negative, no emotions are negative, they just are.

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Some are empowering, some are disempowering, but we're in

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that disempowering lower level frequency of an emotion like anger,

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frustration, depression, hopelessness.

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We have to actually process through that and feel it, which doesn't actually feel

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good, but we have to do that in order to get to the other side where we can

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say, okay, now I'm ready for a reframe.

Jen Raferty: 00:09:18

And I do have one more thing to say about that because there's

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lots of places we can go.

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But this is an important thing also, is that, until we do That process.

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we're never going to get to a place where we feel aligned.

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And I think this is where a lot of what my work comes into is.

Jen Raferty: 00:09:36

I don't like to, even, to use the word positive, I use the word aligned

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:09:39

Hmm.

Jen Raferty: 00:09:40

it's not about feeling happy and positive all the time.

Jen Raferty: 00:09:43

It's about knowing who you are, knowing who you wanna be, and then

Jen Raferty: 00:09:47

making your actions, thoughts, beliefs, language aligned with that.

Jen Raferty: 00:09:52

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: ah, I love that.

Jen Raferty: 00:09:54

Seriously, uh, because I was just about to say that positive kind of has a negative

Jen Raferty: 00:10:00

connotation and perhaps justifiably in some way because it does represent that,

Jen Raferty: 00:10:05

uh, Positivity bypass for so many people, which is another term that I love because

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I've never heard it articulated that way.

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That instead of, sitting with the feelings and working through them, you

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just almost pretend that they don't exist.

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Like you're gonna

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well, it's easier, right?

Jen Raferty: 00:10:21

Because it, it's just like, you don't wanna, it doesn't

Jen Raferty: 00:10:22

feel good to not feel good,

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:10:24

right.

Jen Raferty: 00:10:25

you know?

Jen Raferty: 00:10:26

So on some level you're like, oh, I'll just like think my way

Jen Raferty: 00:10:28

through this one and it'll be cool.

Jen Raferty: 00:10:30

Uh, but it's not because fast forward a couple of days, couple weeks, couple

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months, couple years, what happens?

Jen Raferty: 00:10:35

You end up having these manifested feelings in, um, illness and

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:10:40

Mm mm mm that mind body connection too is something that

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:10:45

I didn't really start to notice and feel the truth of until I was a little older.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:10:51

But to be able to kind of communicate that to our kids, I could see being

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:10:54

so helpful and so empowering to let them trust their gut, trust how their

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:10:59

physical, you know, feelings are coming up and what that might be telling them.

Jen Raferty: 00:11:04

Yes.

Jen Raferty: 00:11:04

Well, how often do we say when kids are not feeling, an empowering feeling?

Jen Raferty: 00:11:08

You're okay.

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It's fine.

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You're fine.

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And what we're doing then in, in an effort to take away their

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pain, cuz of course we're adults.

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We love our, we love them and we don't want them to feel any

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pain and we want them to be okay.

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And so we, you know, we just wanna protect them.

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And so we, we try to take that onto ourselves.

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But when we do that, we actually prevent them from experiencing an emotional

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process that is essential for their growth and development and connection to one of

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the most beautiful things that's a part of their humanity, which is their emotion.

Jen Raferty: 00:11:42

And you know, we often take that away because we, as the adults

Jen Raferty: 00:11:46

feel uncomfortable with it.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:11:48

Right, right.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:11:49

On that point, the idea of not circumventing, but dealing with those

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:11:55

feelings, whether it's our kid or ourselves, what are your thoughts on how

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:11:59

to approach actually sitting with it?

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:12:02

Like, how does, how does one do that if they're not used to it?

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:12:06

If they're used to taking that bypass all the time?

Jen Raferty: 00:12:09

Such a good question.

Jen Raferty: 00:12:11

One of the reasons why we don't sit with our emotions in a way

Jen Raferty: 00:12:16

that's helpful and productive is because it doesn't feel safe.

Jen Raferty: 00:12:19

I mean, I'm, I'm gonna assume here for a minute, but I, many of us have not

Jen Raferty: 00:12:23

grown up in homes where it was safe to feel lower level disempowering feelings.

Jen Raferty: 00:12:28

Does that, does that ring true

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:12:30

mm-hmm.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:12:30

Mm-hmm.

Jen Raferty: 00:12:31

Yes.

Jen Raferty: 00:12:31

Okay.

Jen Raferty: 00:12:32

Same for me.

Jen Raferty: 00:12:32

Right?

Jen Raferty: 00:12:33

Yeah.

Jen Raferty: 00:12:33

And like, and my, you know, I grew up in a great household.

Jen Raferty: 00:12:35

I had two loving parents.

Jen Raferty: 00:12:36

You know, I, I had a great relationship with my sister.

Jen Raferty: 00:12:39

Yet we were not modeled how to handle emotions that are anything

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other than, like, happy and excited and pleasant and content.

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So, you know, growing up doing this now actually doesn't feel safe.

Jen Raferty: 00:12:55

And what I mean by that is your nervous system.

Jen Raferty: 00:12:58

You know, which is mind body is how, I'm gonna, you know, kind

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of, talk about it right now.

Jen Raferty: 00:13:03

Your nervous system is wired to keep you safe.

Jen Raferty: 00:13:06

This is your biology and so anything that is familiar.

Jen Raferty: 00:13:11

Is safe.

Jen Raferty: 00:13:12

So if you are comfortable and it is familiar for you to do emotional

Jen Raferty: 00:13:16

bypass, then that's what your nervous system is going to do because it

Jen Raferty: 00:13:19

is an adaptive behavior that's kept you alive this whole entire time.

Jen Raferty: 00:13:23

And which by the way, it's done a great job because we're here.

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You're either listening and like you and I are having this conversation.

Jen Raferty: 00:13:29

You know, it did a great job.

Jen Raferty: 00:13:30

However, that adaptive behavior is not serving us anymore because we know

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that we need to process through our emotions in order to show up as our most

Jen Raferty: 00:13:39

authentic selves and live our best lives.

Jen Raferty: 00:13:41

So what you need to do then is recognize how do I create safety in my

Jen Raferty: 00:13:47

nervous system to make it feel okay?

Jen Raferty: 00:13:51

So I can process through this thing.

Jen Raferty: 00:13:54

So how do we create safety in our nervous system?

Jen Raferty: 00:13:55

First of all, You have to recognize when you don't feel safe, and

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those are all of the telltale signs that you're feeling stressed.

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So you know your chest might be tight, you might have a headache.

Jen Raferty: 00:14:05

Your shoulders wanna be earrings.

Jen Raferty: 00:14:06

All of a sudden, you know, you have a knot in your stomach.

Jen Raferty: 00:14:09

And when you recognize what's going on with your body physically,

Jen Raferty: 00:14:14

then you can create safety by doing certain exercises like.

Jen Raferty: 00:14:18

Breathing.

Jen Raferty: 00:14:19

You know, it's, it sounds so simple because it is sitting for just, you

Jen Raferty: 00:14:23

know, 30 seconds and doing three rounds of a box breath, which is inhale

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for four, pause for four, exhale for four, pause for four, and just paying

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attention to your breath will lower.

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Your heart rate will slow down.

Jen Raferty: 00:14:34

Your breathing and your nervous system will be like, all right,

Jen Raferty: 00:14:38

like, I think Joan's safe now.

Jen Raferty: 00:14:39

I think, I think it's okay to cry for a minute.

Jen Raferty: 00:14:42

And you get to do that as many times as you need to do.

Jen Raferty: 00:14:45

But it is a process, and this is really what being empowered feels like.

Jen Raferty: 00:14:49

This is regaining your agency and what we're doing is not only increasing

Jen Raferty: 00:14:54

our capacity to hold space for our kids for when they have these moments,

Jen Raferty: 00:14:58

but we are modeling another paradigm for them to know that it Oh, okay.

Jen Raferty: 00:15:03

I see mom processing through her sadness.

Jen Raferty: 00:15:06

I see mom processing through her anger that's safe and they

Jen Raferty: 00:15:10

grow up with that new paradigm.

Jen Raferty: 00:15:12

And that's the generational change that I'm really interested in.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:15:16

I, I love that.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:15:17

Oh gosh.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:15:17

I keep saying I love that because I do.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:15:20

But

Jen Raferty: 00:15:20

Me too.

Jen Raferty: 00:15:21

It gets me all fired up because this is, this is the stuff like

Jen Raferty: 00:15:24

this is the, you know, once we start learning how our minds work and.

Jen Raferty: 00:15:29

How our behaviors are, really just adaptive behaviors from trauma responses.

Jen Raferty: 00:15:34

Like we're all walking trauma responses, like, you know, we,

Jen Raferty: 00:15:36

we need to just talk about like, this is just part of being human.

Jen Raferty: 00:15:39

And once we get it all out on the table and know that you and me and

Jen Raferty: 00:15:43

everyone listening, we are all the same, we can start really to heal

Jen Raferty: 00:15:47

collectively and make significant change.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:15:50

Yeah.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:15:51

Yeah.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:15:52

So, going back to this idea of kind of breathing and regulating your own emotions

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:15:58

so that you can, you can process them.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:16:01

is there a part of that, that involves kind of just noticing and checking.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:16:07

To your point about we gravitate towards the familiar, and I, I kind of love how

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:16:11

you described that whatever's familiar is safe, even if you know on an intellectual

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:16:16

level that it's maybe not good for you or maybe not healthy for you, but it's

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:16:20

familiar and it's that familiarity that your body sees as equating to safety.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:16:26

So, so breathing and noticing the feelings.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:16:30

And then choosing something different.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:16:33

Is that kind of the next step to get you through?

Jen Raferty: 00:16:36

Yes, it can be, it can be choosing something different.

Jen Raferty: 00:16:39

Sometimes the step is really just in the noticing

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:16:41

Hmm.

Jen Raferty: 00:16:41

can't change something you don't notice.

Jen Raferty: 00:16:43

So, you know, oftentimes people come to this work and they're

Jen Raferty: 00:16:46

like, okay Jen, this is great.

Jen Raferty: 00:16:47

I've been doing these breathing breaks throughout the day, which

Jen Raferty: 00:16:49

is something I highly recommend.

Jen Raferty: 00:16:51

I.

Jen Raferty: 00:16:51

Still set four alarms in my phone.

Jen Raferty: 00:16:53

They go off, I stop what I'm doing.

Jen Raferty: 00:16:55

I do three rounds of a box breath just to check

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:16:58

It's amazing.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:16:59

Yeah.

Jen Raferty: 00:17:00

just to notice, because I can't, you know, you're on autopilot.

Jen Raferty: 00:17:02

That's another function of your brain being super efficient

Jen Raferty: 00:17:05

and keeping you alive.

Jen Raferty: 00:17:06

But if you're not interrupting your autopilot, nothing

Jen Raferty: 00:17:09

is ever going to change.

Jen Raferty: 00:17:10

So creating some sort of, you know, alarms that I work with educators,

Jen Raferty: 00:17:14

they do it even with their classes.

Jen Raferty: 00:17:16

I do it with my kids sometimes when they're home.

Jen Raferty: 00:17:18

And that is, that is a, an opportunity for you to strengthen that notice muscle.

Jen Raferty: 00:17:23

Just pausing what's happening with my body right now?

Jen Raferty: 00:17:26

What am I feeling?

Jen Raferty: 00:17:27

What am I thinking that's causing me to feel this thing?

Jen Raferty: 00:17:30

Is that thought true?

Jen Raferty: 00:17:31

Do I wanna think this thought?

Jen Raferty: 00:17:33

And we start getting really curious as to what's going on because.

Jen Raferty: 00:17:36

95 to 97% of the time, we are operating on our subconscious.

Jen Raferty: 00:17:41

Our subconscious is running the show.

Jen Raferty: 00:17:43

That means only three to 5% of our existence is actual conscious choices.

Jen Raferty: 00:17:49

Isn't that wild?

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:17:50

That's crazy.

Jen Raferty: 00:17:51

That is crazy.

Jen Raferty: 00:17:53

And so what we're doing with these practices is that we are increasing

Jen Raferty: 00:17:57

our level of consciousness.

Jen Raferty: 00:17:58

We are raising our conscious awareness so we can be active participants

Jen Raferty: 00:18:03

and co-creators in our life instead of just like wandering around being

Jen Raferty: 00:18:07

reactive to everything all of the time, which is a result of our wiring.

Jen Raferty: 00:18:11

And that's, it's nobody's fault.

Jen Raferty: 00:18:13

This is just how we're wired.

Jen Raferty: 00:18:14

But now we know better.

Jen Raferty: 00:18:16

We have the research now, which is still relatively new.

Jen Raferty: 00:18:18

I mean, neuroplasticity is only about.

Jen Raferty: 00:18:20

20 or so years old at this point, maybe 20, 25, 30 now that I'm thinking about it.

Jen Raferty: 00:18:25

but it's new science, so understanding how to have a working relationship

Jen Raferty: 00:18:29

with your brain is, is great.

Jen Raferty: 00:18:31

And I do wanna say one thing before I move on to the next topic, cuz I

Jen Raferty: 00:18:33

know you're itching to talk about neuroplasticity, but sometimes in

Jen Raferty: 00:18:37

those moments, breathing isn't enough.

Jen Raferty: 00:18:39

And I need to also be really clear about that.

Jen Raferty: 00:18:41

Breathing isn't always the answer.

Jen Raferty: 00:18:43

Sometimes the answer is getting in your car and screaming.

Jen Raferty: 00:18:48

Sometimes the answer is going to a rage room.

Jen Raferty: 00:18:50

I mean, I take my kids to a rage room when I am feeling really angry about

Jen Raferty: 00:18:54

stuff and I need to like, yeah, like I get out the, and it has to be physical.

Jen Raferty: 00:18:58

I bought a little punching bag on Amazon that sits on my desk and I just

Jen Raferty: 00:19:01

like take a few punches sometimes.

Jen Raferty: 00:19:03

Breathing sometimes isn't gonna cut it.

Jen Raferty: 00:19:05

If you're really feeling it and you're deep in resentment and you're deep in

Jen Raferty: 00:19:09

anger and you're deep in frustration, you're not gonna think your way out of it.

Jen Raferty: 00:19:14

And breathing might help temporarily, but that feeling needs to be

Jen Raferty: 00:19:18

released in your body because that's where the feelings are.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:19:20

Um, I noticed that in my kids too, like, or I suspected

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:19:24

that and I, I sort of let myself believe it because to your point, I can come at

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:19:29

them with all of these tools and, you know, mindfulness exercises, but sometimes

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:19:35

they just they just need to do something physical that kind of wears them out to

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:19:41

get that anxiety out of their system.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:19:43

And I, myself was not an athlete, so I can't relate to a lot of that, but

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:19:47

even, I know that there are times when that feeling of spentness is the only

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:19:52

thing that kind of checks off a box.

Jen Raferty: 00:19:54

A hundred percent.

Jen Raferty: 00:19:55

I'm not an athlete either running there's nothing you can

Jen Raferty: 00:19:58

do to get me to go on a run.

Jen Raferty: 00:19:59

There's no amount of money that you can pay me.

Jen Raferty: 00:20:01

It's just not happening.

Jen Raferty: 00:20:02

That is not my, you know, mode of, you know, release that I choose.

Jen Raferty: 00:20:07

But going outside, I love to be outside.

Jen Raferty: 00:20:09

Sometimes I'll go outside, barefoot because putting my feet in the grass

Jen Raferty: 00:20:12

and connecting to nature is something that actually helps me release.

Jen Raferty: 00:20:16

And again, just doing something to create safety in your nervous system,

Jen Raferty: 00:20:21

what your, your nervous system mind, body can just be like, okay,

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:20:28

Yeah.

Jen Raferty: 00:20:28

good.

Jen Raferty: 00:20:28

We're not, we're not gonna die right now

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:20:30

Mm, So on that note, do you have a parting thought or

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:20:35

some affirmation or maybe a phrase you'd like to turn to when thinking about,

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:20:40

emotions and positivity or alignment that you'd like to leave with the listeners?

Jen Raferty: 00:20:45

Sure.

Jen Raferty: 00:20:46

I think one of the most important things to remember here is patience and grace.

Jen Raferty: 00:20:53

That often the impatience becomes the sabotage.

Jen Raferty: 00:20:59

We wanna feel good so, badly that we want to be here now and we

Jen Raferty: 00:21:06

can't rush the process because when we do, we want to control it.

Jen Raferty: 00:21:11

And control is an illusion.

Jen Raferty: 00:21:13

So, you know, understanding that wherever you are is perfectly

Jen Raferty: 00:21:20

beautiful and give yourself patience.

Jen Raferty: 00:21:24

And give yourself grace.

Jen Raferty: 00:21:25

And when things aren't going the way you think you want them to,

Jen Raferty: 00:21:29

you're gonna recommit and try again.

Jen Raferty: 00:21:32

And that's it.

Jen Raferty: 00:21:32

That's all there is to it.

Jen Raferty: 00:21:37

Ugh.

Jen Raferty: 00:21:38

So much goodness, hard to pick, but here are my top takeaways.

Jen Raferty: 00:21:43

Number one positive psychology is a good thing.

Jen Raferty: 00:21:46

It encourages us to see situations from different perspectives so we

Jen Raferty: 00:21:50

can shift into a less awful place.

Jen Raferty: 00:21:53

Or see the opportunity or possibility that can arise from something

Jen Raferty: 00:21:57

we initially see as negative.

Jen Raferty: 00:21:59

Number two.

Jen Raferty: 00:22:01

Uh, gratitude, bypass or positivity bypass, is when we're experiencing

Jen Raferty: 00:22:05

frustration or anger or overwhelm.

Jen Raferty: 00:22:09

But instead of processing those feelings, we shut that down and bypass the emotion

Jen Raferty: 00:22:13

by saying things like, well, at least I'm healthy or at least I still have a job.

Jen Raferty: 00:22:19

This becomes toxic.

Jen Raferty: 00:22:22

Number three.

Jen Raferty: 00:22:24

We have to work through our feelings.

Jen Raferty: 00:22:26

If we don't address them, we'll never get to a place where

Jen Raferty: 00:22:28

we'll feel aligned internally.

Jen Raferty: 00:22:31

That pent up emotion builds up and throws off our intuition and inner compass.

Jen Raferty: 00:22:36

Number four.

Jen Raferty: 00:22:38

Your nervous system is wired to keep you safe.

Jen Raferty: 00:22:40

And what's familiar.

Jen Raferty: 00:22:42

Feel safe, even if the familiar is not really good for you.

Jen Raferty: 00:22:47

This one blew my mind because we often hear and wonder about why

Jen Raferty: 00:22:51

people are attracted to toxic relationships or bad habits.

Jen Raferty: 00:22:56

And this kind of explains it.

Jen Raferty: 00:22:59

Number five to evolve beyond negative patterns that our nervous

Jen Raferty: 00:23:03

systems want to default to.

Jen Raferty: 00:23:05

We have to recognize when we don't feel safe, and then use tools like pausing

Jen Raferty: 00:23:10

to notice how our bodies feel, and taking deep breaths or practicing box

Jen Raferty: 00:23:16

breathing even just for 30 seconds.

Jen Raferty: 00:23:19

This will calm our nervous systems and make space for

Jen Raferty: 00:23:21

us to make different choices.

Jen Raferty: 00:23:24

To learn more about Jen and her empowered educator programming.

Jen Raferty: 00:23:28

Head to empowered educator.com.

Jen Raferty: 00:23:31

Follow her on Instagram at Jen Rafferty underscore that's J E N R a F.

Jen Raferty: 00:23:38

F.

Jen Raferty: 00:23:38

e r T y Underscore, and find her podcast, "take notes with Jen Rafferty"

Jen Raferty: 00:23:45

on your favorite podcasting platform.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:23:52

Thanks for listening today and being the committed

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:23:55

intentional parent that you are.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:23:57

If you enjoy the podcast please follow, tell a friend and leave

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:01

a review on apple podcasts or Spotify if you haven't already.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:06

Also, I'd like to invite you to be one of the founding members

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:09

of the rise and raise collective.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:11

It's a mastermind I'm starting of mindful growth oriented moms.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:15

Who want to grow as individuals as well as parent with intention.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:20

Now, when I say mastermind, this does not mean you have to be an expert.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:24

I am not an expert by any stretch.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:27

It's really the sense of curiosity and a commitment to personal growth that

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:32

qualifies anyone to be part of this.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:35

So, you know, what really triggered this was thinking about how, when I first

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:40

became pregnant, I had all the books.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:42

I also took classes and became involved in a variety of mommy and me groups.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:48

And connected with other new moms.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:49

I vividly remember when I was on maternity leave, going on walks with another

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:55

new mom and we were both pushing our strollers and we'd meet for an hour.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:59

Because that was about the length of time that our babies could take it . And we

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:25:02

would just talk about all things related to where we were in this stage of life.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:25:07

Dealing with the babies, how to make everything work, how to get

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:25:11

more sleep, you know how to feel normal when there's so much going

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:25:16

on, that feels up in the air.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:25:19

That intentionality and focus around becoming a parent,

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:25:23

it's a really special thing.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:25:25

And it made me realize how being deliberate about how we spend

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:25:29

our time thinking about things can make such a difference.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:25:33

So my vision is to provide a safe and celebratory space for moms

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:25:37

to learn, grow and connect with other moms of tween and teen girls.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:25:42

think virtual gatherings where we can cheer each other on, get

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:25:46

advice from other moms who are on the same journey as we are.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:25:50

We can share stories and ask tough questions sometimes from experts, um,

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:25:55

people like you hear on the podcast.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:25:57

But also just of each other.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:26:00

Questions, like how do we talk about sex or sexual assault with our daughters?

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:26:06

How do we talk about setting boundaries?

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:26:09

How do I get my kids to do the things I like them to do without sounding

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:26:13

authoritarian or saying because I said so.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:26:16

And I'd love to offer monthly group coaching sessions where individuals

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:26:21

can come forward with a particular place where they feel stuck and I

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:26:26

can offer guidance as well as we can tap into the wisdom of the group.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:26:30

That's a huge thing I love about groups is we are only capable

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:26:35

of sharing our own perspectives.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:26:37

When you have a group, you have multiple perspectives, a diversity of

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:26:41

experiences, multiple Backgrounds that can provide different alternatives

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:26:48

and possible solutions to the problems that we're encountering.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:26:52

So if this sounds like something you might be interested in, shoot me a direct

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:26:56

message on Instagram at @knowberaisethem or visit the website knowberaisethem.com

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:27:02

And you can send me an email from there.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:27:04

Or head to the show notes, all of these things will be linked.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:27:07

I'll also be posting additional information on the Instagram feed.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:27:11

So again, that is @knowberaisethem.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:27:15

I look forward to hearing from you.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:27:17

If you have questions, if you want to connect, please just reach out.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:27:21

Thanks again for listening.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:27:23

And here's to strong women.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:27:25

May we know them, may we be them, and may we raise them.