How to Interrupt: Manners, Assertiveness, and No Apologies (Encore) // by Carmelita (Cat) Tiu

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Hi, everyone.

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As I mentioned in last week's episode, I've decided to take my foot off the new

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episode pedal for a short summer hiatus.

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This is my first summer as a podcaster and I underestimated how thrown off I would

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be by the perfect storm of kid activities, or lack thereof, traveling and bouts

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of unexpected events like summer colds, block parties, house repairs, et cetera.

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I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.

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I also realized that I really wanted a short break to step back

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and plan out what the podcast will look like for the next season.

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So rather than release new episodes, I'm sharing a handful of the top

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episodes for the next few weeks.

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I know that every episode is packed with information, even

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though they're relatively short.

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So consider this a chance to listen to fan favorite episodes you haven't

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heard before, or if you're a loyal listener, maybe you'll find yourself

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celebrating how far you've come or how much you remember since you listened

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to this episode, the first time.

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Whatever camp you fall into.

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I am so glad you're here and I hope you're enjoying summer.

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I'll be returning with new episodes for season two, which launches in August.

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If you haven't done so already head to no be raise them.com or the show

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Raise them.

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Thanks for listening.

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Welcome to know them.

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Be them, raise them a show to help moms stay informed and inspired so

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they can show up for themselves and their daughters the way they want to.

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I'm your host, Carmelita two, join me each week.

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As I cover a variety of topics, all designed to support, mindful and growth

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oriented moms of girls, especially girls in their crucial queen and teen years

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today, I'm sharing my own thoughts about something that came up not too long.

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And left me wondering,

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I was waiting for the train in earshot of a small group of teens.

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And I noticed one person kept talking over and interrupting the others.

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Now I completely understand how tweens and teens much like any group can get riled up

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and in their excitement, chatter overlaps sentences get finished in a congenial way.

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And voices naturally get lost in the.

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But in this particular scenario, it seemed that a couple of girls were

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being talked over and they just weren't being allowed to speak much.

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Or have a say about the conversation topic.

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I know this because as moms, we naturally developed some serious VES dropping

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skills so I'm half listening and I kept hearing this one person interrupt others

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time and time again, I kind of wanted to turn around and ask this person.

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Do you realize you've been interrupting everyone else, let them speak and

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then tell the girls interrupt back.

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You were rudely interrupted.

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So you go ahead and interrupt back.

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it got me thinking, why didn't they interrupt back?

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Did they really not care to finish their thoughts?

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Or were they too polite or nice to call out the interrupter or

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jump back in with their opinions?

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I encourage my daughters to be assertive, to share their stories and participate.

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But by raising my daughters to think that manners are morals and

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interrupting is impolite and rude.

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Am I inadvertently undermining their ability to rightfully claim air time?

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Will they be afraid to assert themselves in a lively discussion,

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afraid that they'll offend?

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Will they choose politeness over being heard?

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Or maybe they'll practice their manners and wait for a, a pause, a

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time to reenter the conversation.

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But what if the topic takes a turn and moves on and their point becomes

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irrelevant as I'm sure you're aware, women and girls are conditioned to be

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nice much more than men and boys Soia Shamali author of rage becomes her.

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The power of women's anger puts it.

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This.

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globally.

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Childhood politeness lessons are gender asymmetrical.

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We socialize girls to take turns, listen more carefully,

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not curse and resist interrupting in ways we don't expect of boys.

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Put another way.

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We generally teach girls subservient habits and boys to exercise dominance.

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She also adds parents interrupt girls twice as often and hold

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them to stricter politeness norm.

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teachers engage boys who correctly see disruptive speech as a marker

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of dominant masculinity, more often and more dynamically than girls.

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All of this leads to boys and men being more prone to interrupt and

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prevent others from interrupting them while girls and women are more

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likely not to interrupt and yield.

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When interrupted this pattern established from a young age, leads to women

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being seen as having less authority.

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Shamali sites research that found in male dominated problem, solving

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groups, such as boards, committees, and legislators, men speak 75% more than

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women, which is why researchers summed up.

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Having a seat at the table is not the same as having a voice.

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And what if your daughter is quieter by nature?

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One of my daughters presents as more introverted and quiet, so I'm

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always curious and maybe concerned that she's not speaking up and

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being heard for girls like her.

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that adds another obstacle.

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Another layer of hesitation on top of the gendered expectations of politeness.

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It's a lot to try and wrap your head around.

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I suspect we need to address this as much as possible when girls are growing up.

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when they presumably have safe spaces in the classroom and at home when they've

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been less worn down by everyday slights.

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And when the gender gaps on boards in pay, et cetera, haven't been

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subconsciously normalized yet.

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So how can we strike a balance?

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How can we help ensure our daughters feel comfortable, continuing to speak

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their minds and holding their own without entirely forsaking good manners.

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And if you're like me, If I have to interrupt, I'd rather do so

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in a user friendly way, that's less likely to alienate others.

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It can build trust and allyship, both important qualities

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to have in any setting.

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So after digging around, here's what I wanna teach my girls.

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Number one, interrupting.

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And whether interrupting back is appropriate.

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Depends on the context.

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A judge interrupting a lawyer in the courtroom is different than a teacher

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interrupting a student to make a correction, which is also different

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from a classmate interrupting as you're sharing your opinion on climate change.

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there aren't any real hard and fast rules, but as a very loose general

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rule, if it's in a casual setting, a classroom discussion or a work meeting,

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I think you should speak confidently and feel comfortable preventing

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interruptions from others and interrupt back if someone does, which leads me

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to my second point, interrupting back.

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If you're in one of those contexts, then you can and should interrupt back

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when you've been rudely interrupted.

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Think of Kamala Harris during the vice presidential debates in 2020,

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and confidently say, I'm speaking and continue with your thoughts when someone

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tries to interrupt other options, depending on your personality might

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be, would you mind if I finish or I'm not quite done with my point yet, or

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maybe as soon as I'm done, then you can.

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Then when you're done speaking, you can loop back to them and say, okay,

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so, and so you wanted to say something, number three, practice, and be prepared

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to use the phrases that PSIA Shamali proffers in her article 10 simple words.

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Every girl needs to learn first stopped interrupting me second.

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I just said that.

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And third, no explanation needed.

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It's 10, 10 words between three phrases.

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Stop interrupting me.

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I just said that and no explanation needed.

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These are straightforward ways of getting the point across and

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taking back the conversation.

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Number four, when you have to initiate an interruption, Casey, Aaron Clark and Julie

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fog, a vital voice offer a few approaches.

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You can acknowledge the previous point first.

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That's a really good point, or I hear what you're saying, then

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continue with your thoughts.

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You can also begin by saying, I need to interrupt you for a second

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before we switch topics, or I need to interrupt you before we move on.

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If you can use your interruption to throw support behind a classmate or a

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colleague, then even better, this ties back to that allyship aspect as well.

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Like, you know, related to this discussion point, Ella just did a paper on that.

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number five when interrupting speak confidently loudly, and without any

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apologies, I used to be one of those people that said, sorry, way too often.

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Even when I was bumping at the table, like who was I hurting?

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No one.

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And even when I wasn't saying, sorry, I sometimes spoke, like I was apologizing.

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I know you've heard it that, so I, I, I need you to turn in

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this report, that kind of thing.

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I've become much better at that, but it took practice speaking with courage

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and confidence, and I hope my girls learn that and know that practicing

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will help them feel those emotions too.

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Number six, don't confuse a step outside of your comfort zone with a misstep

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don't let discomfort or fear stop you from standing up for yourself or others.

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Number seven.

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Remember you are not responsible for everyone.

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Else's feelings.

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Know what you need to say and know that you deserve to be heard, how

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other people take it is their problem.

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That's not to say you should completely disregard others' feelings in every

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context, but if you are interrupting back, And or are interrupting someone who

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may consciously or subconsciously think men have more authority and should speak

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more than women, then they'll likely be offended, but that's not your problem.

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Don't silence yourself to make someone else comfortable.

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As I wrote these, I realized that I'm still practicing and fine tuning most of

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these points, these tips are just as much for me at 46 as they are for my daughters.

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I'm definitely a product of societal expectations and gendered behavior

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of the seventies, eighties, nineties.

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But I'm optimistic that if I start impressing these ideas

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upon my daughters, now they'll.

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Skills that they practice then Excel at and over time

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they'll become second nature.

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And then if they're interrupted at Thanksgiving dinner or perhaps

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a vice presidential debate, I'll be so proud and tickled

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to hear them interrupt back with an unapologetic.

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I'm speaking.

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Thanks for joining me today.

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It takes action to claim something.

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So by listening, you've already shown that you're the kind of mom who shows

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up for herself and her daughter Woohoo.

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That's worthy of a high five and a thumbs up emoji.

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For sure.

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If you liked what you heard, please tell a friend and hit subscribe or

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Thanks again for listening and here's to strong women.

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May we know them?

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May we be them?