Ditch Goal Guilt & 4 Ways to Set Goals with Grace // with Carmelita Tiu
Do you find yourself beating yourself up when you don't reach a goal...even if you have very good reasons for not attaining it? Are you saddled with "shoulds" and little perfectionist gremlin voices that make you feel like a failure whenever a goal isn't met?
In this episode, host Carmelita Tiu talks about how to cut through the negative self-talk and guilt by asking a key question -- "Am I living in alignment with my values?"
She also covers 4 alternatives to traditional "goals" -- perfect for times in your life when you need flexibility and a SMART goal feels too rigid:
- setting intentions
- "holding space"
- anti-goals
- no goals at all
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Transcript
Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Welcome to know them.
Speaker:Be them, raise them a show to help moms stay informed and inspired so
Speaker:they can show up for themselves and their daughters the way they want to.
Speaker:I'm your host Carmelita to join me each week as I cover a variety of topics,
Speaker:all designed to support mindful.
Speaker:And growth-oriented moms of girls, especially girls in their
Speaker:crucial tween and teen years.
Speaker:And welcome to the first episode of season two.
Speaker:As many of, you know, I took some time off to reassess and somehow my few
Speaker:weeks became a three ish month hiatus.
Speaker:And while that length was unintentional, it was also much needed.
Speaker:And felt like the right thing in retrospect.
Speaker:And that's actually the topic I chose to kick off the season with the idea
Speaker:of goals, the guilt that can come when you don't achieve them, and how to
Speaker:redefine them when there are lots of variables in your life that affect
Speaker:your ability to accomplish these goals.
Speaker:In these instances, sticking to a bright line goal can become problematic and maybe
Speaker:feeds into toxic productivity culture.
Speaker:Especially if the only way to achieve that goal.
Speaker:Is at the expense of other things you value more like your
Speaker:family connections, your physical health or your mental health.
Speaker:But before I dive deeper into that.
Speaker:I wanted to share a few exciting updates.
Speaker:First, no them be them.
Speaker:Raise them ranked in the top 5% of podcasts, according to listen notes,
Speaker:which is a podcast data aggregator.
Speaker:Of course, the statistic is nice.
Speaker:But what's really meaningful is knowing that these chats, these
Speaker:conversations and, uh, my time that I get to spend with these amazing guests.
Speaker:Is being heard.
Speaker:I love the idea of parenting with intention.
Speaker:And evolving into better versions of ourselves and showing up as the type
Speaker:of person you are proud of, as well as the kind of person you would feel
Speaker:comfortable, your kids becoming someday.
Speaker:I sometimes like to think of it as being this person that my
Speaker:grandkids or great-grandkids would be proud to call their ancestor.
Speaker:Also I launched a new podcast Check it out@nobyraisedthem.com.
Speaker:I finally have transcripts available, you can also easily shoot me an email.
Speaker:If you have topic requests or feedback.
Speaker:And there's even a search function.
Speaker:If you want to find keywords about specific topics, for instance, you
Speaker:can type in confidence and it'll pull up any episode with that word in it.
Speaker:So you can dive into the areas that you're most interested in with relative ease.
Speaker:You can even leave me a voicemail message by clicking on a microphone
Speaker:icon in the corner of the screen.
Speaker:And yeah, it's kind of cool it, test it out.
Speaker:I would love to hear what you think.
Speaker:And speaking of feedback, I got a couple of direct messages from
Speaker:listeners that talked about the show and how it impacted them.
Speaker:One said yesterday was all about helping my daughter navigate her first heartbreak.
Speaker:I felt like I had a lot of tools from listening to all your podcasts.
Speaker:Another said.
Speaker:I love your show.
Speaker:It makes me feel sane knowing that someone else is thinking about topics like this.
Speaker:Thanks to all of you who DMD or left reviews, they really do mean a lot.
Speaker:And one last development I want to share.
Speaker:During the break.
Speaker:I ticked off a goal that's been in my heart for, well over a decade,
Speaker:maybe even, maybe even two decades.
Speaker:I became a certified coach through Lumia and ICF accredited coaching program.
Speaker:And I've been enjoying what I'm learning so much that I'm continuing
Speaker:on to pursue my ICF ACC accreditation through their signature program.
Speaker:And who knows what's next after that, I've just been floored by the
Speaker:knowledge I've gained and the skills that I've And I'm ideating ways to
Speaker:build out communities and containers to support the people and values.
Speaker:I believe in.
Speaker:Which I think will include a mastermind for moms or some sort of moms group,
Speaker:which I think I've referenced before.
Speaker:More on this tecum, it's still a work in progress.
Speaker:But please do feel free to reach out to me to connect if you're interested.
Speaker:Leave me an email or sign up for my newsletter or my email list.
Speaker:I'd be happy to share my thoughts and answer any questions about
Speaker:coaching, future programming.
Speaker:Et cetera.
Speaker:So for this episode . I felt compelled to touch on goal setting.
Speaker:As I really struggled with this over the past few months.
Speaker:As I mentioned earlier, I set a goal for myself a few months
Speaker:ago to launch season two.
Speaker:After a month long break.
Speaker:And then that month turned into two months and then three months.
Speaker:And a part of me as the time stretched on could not help, but see this as a failure.
Speaker:After all I had set this goal and it was a smart goal, which for those of you who've
Speaker:been in the corporate world, you know that it's an acronym for specific measurable,
Speaker:achievable, relevant, and time-bound.
Speaker:And I didn't accomplish it.
Speaker:But only looking at those two data points, basically the goal I set
Speaker:and not accomplishing it as I had initially set out to do, leaves
Speaker:out a huge part of the big picture.
Speaker:It made me think of.
Speaker:When you Google maps, something in advance and it gives you a time estimate.
Speaker:And that's what you carry with you to inform when you're going to leave
Speaker:for an event or to pick up your kids.
Speaker:But then when you actually hit the road, You can't find your keys.
Speaker:You spill your coffee when you go to grab your travel mug.
Speaker:And then of course there's an accident creating a traffic
Speaker:jam and all sorts of delays.
Speaker:That's kind of what I feel like the last several months have been.
Speaker:In my case, I found out that my husband's cancer came back.
Speaker:Thankfully it's being managed and we are blessed to have
Speaker:access to the care that he needs.
Speaker:But it's still through both of us for an emotional loop.
Speaker:As we processed his return to treatments.
Speaker:And wrapped our heads around what this means and how, if in any way, this was
Speaker:going to change how we approach things.
Speaker:And then my kids signed up for several new activities, which of course have different
Speaker:locations and staggered start times.
Speaker:Which has any parent knows, can be maddening is so much to keep track of.
Speaker:My kids also struggled with various ups and downs, some more serious than others,
Speaker:but all of which take up energy and space.
Speaker:of course, this is all against the backdrop of life.
Speaker:Work, trying to stay physically active, stay on top of finances,
Speaker:have some semblance of a social life, stay connected with friends and
Speaker:family, volunteering, spirituality, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
Speaker:So, despite all that was going on.
Speaker:I initially found myself.
Speaker:Beating myself up for not meeting my podcast goal.
Speaker:I'm guessing lots of high achieving women out there.
Speaker:Might have this knee jerk reaction to this little voice that kind of wonders.
Speaker:Why can't I hustle harder?
Speaker:Why can't I seem to find the time.
Speaker:What did I do wrong?
Speaker:That made it.
Speaker:So I didn't, or I can't accomplish what I set out to do.
Speaker:And I just, I just got stuck.
Speaker:It took a little while to take the time to understand what was going on.
Speaker:And frankly, I had some great coaching sessions that helped me
Speaker:get to a place of understanding.
Speaker:I took a step back to just notice.
Speaker:And a few themes, stood out.
Speaker:First.
Speaker:I was giving myself the space I needed to mentally and emotionally
Speaker:process, a lot of stuff.
Speaker:And I didn't use to do that.
Speaker:I would push my feelings aside and distract myself with busy-ness.
Speaker:But eventually I discovered that didn't serve me well in the long run.
Speaker:And over the past several years.
Speaker:I've become better at giving myself space to sit with those feelings
Speaker:and let myself work through them.
Speaker:Instead of pretending they don't exist.
Speaker:I also was available and being present with my husband and daughters
Speaker:through emotionally Rocky times.
Speaker:If they ask me to talk.
Speaker:I want to be all ears.
Speaker:My friend, Kara introduced me to this idea of sessions where your kid can ask for a
Speaker:good chunk of time just to sit with you.
Speaker:And you say yes, and you listen.
Speaker:I offered this idea to my daughters, maybe two or three years And it wasn't
Speaker:until a couple of months ago that they really started to take me up on it.
Speaker:It seemed like there was a period where every other night I was lying next to one
Speaker:of them in bed, staring at the ceiling just before bedtime and listening to what
Speaker:was on their minds or in their hearts.
Speaker:And giving my most non-judgemental and affirming responses when they wanted it.
Speaker:And I didn't care if it kept me from getting less sleep or eight
Speaker:and tune the time that I had allocated for working on other goals.
Speaker:It really felt like this is what it means to be
Speaker:This is such a gift to have them speaking to me openly, and I
Speaker:wouldn't give that up for anything.
Speaker:Not only that.
Speaker:But I value my health and I strive to have a sense of wellness in my life.
Speaker:And I was continuing to give myself that over the past few months.
Speaker:I was getting a decent amount of exercise, getting enough rest.
Speaker:Most of the time.
Speaker:Because for whatever reason, if I get less than six hours of sleep at night, I
Speaker:don't know if it's my age or hormones or what, but my mood and attitude take a hit.
Speaker:I can be so impatient, grumpy.
Speaker:I don't want to show up like that for anyone.
Speaker:In looking at these themes.
Speaker:I realized I was living in line with my values.
Speaker:In deciding how to spend my time.
Speaker:There wasn't anything wrong with me.
Speaker:And instead of asking myself, what can I do differently or So I can accomplish
Speaker:this goal, despite the circumstances.
Speaker:It was really more a question of what's realistic.
Speaker:How can I adjust this goal and redefine success?
Speaker:Given the circumstances.
Speaker:And my need to respect my values.
Speaker:And acknowledge my priorities.
Speaker:What's funny is I'm pretty good at calling up my daughters when they have
Speaker:unrealistic expectations or standards.
Speaker:I just wasn't as good at looking at my life in the same
Speaker:So, if you find yourself struggling to accomplish a goal and you feel guilty
Speaker:or down on yourself, If you have this little gremlin voice telling you, you
Speaker:should be productive and making you second, guess yourself, wondering if
Speaker:you're procrastinating or worse, you're an imposter because you didn't hit that goal.
Speaker:Like you said, you would wrong.
Speaker:Ask yourself instead.
Speaker:Am I living in alignment with my values.
Speaker:And sure.
Speaker:Maybe sometimes we can power through to get to a goal, do
Speaker:whatever it takes to succeed.
Speaker:But we should always check those efforts against our values If
Speaker:the answer is yes, you are living in alignment with your values.
Speaker:Then give yourself permission to flex those goals.
Speaker:Not as a concession.
Speaker:But as a conscious choice and kind of a celebration.
Speaker:That you are honoring yourself and your needs.
Speaker:Once I gave myself permission to let go of my original goals.
Speaker:I began to wonder how I could reframe things.
Speaker:What's an approach towards Coles that has fewer forced at deadlines.
Speaker:Or less artificial urgency and way less guilt.
Speaker:So as I'm known to do, and probably a lot of you do too.
Speaker:I dove into a content wormhole.
Speaker:On the internet, of course.
Speaker:Just to see what I could find, and I thought I'd share with you four
Speaker:things, four approaches that seemed to provide flexibility and grace,
Speaker:which for many busy moms of busy kids.
Speaker:I know is paramount.
Speaker:So number one is to swap out goals for intention.
Speaker:And intention is to almost think of it as a wish or a desire to bring in
Speaker:the feelings you want to feel without.
Speaker:This win, lose framework.
Speaker:We've been conditioned to use the word goal when we want to make
Speaker:a change or accomplish something and to choose a tangible result.
Speaker:But sometimes maybe we don't really care about the actual outcome.
Speaker:What we really want to change is how we feel.
Speaker:So a goal.
Speaker:Is typically defined as this predetermined result.
Speaker:But an intention is more a desire to create a sustained feeling over time.
Speaker:So for instance, a goal could be, I want to lose 10 pounds
Speaker:in the next three months.
Speaker:But the intention could I want to feel healthy, energized, and strong.
Speaker:We can see how intentions can help us focus on creating kind of lasting change
Speaker:where goals might only focus on hustling after a temporary and fixed outcome.
Speaker:I personally like this feelings focused perspective.
Speaker:It's true.
Speaker:Sometimes it's not a thing or a, an accomplishment, but really that,
Speaker:that state of being that I'm after.
Speaker:And using intentions versus goals allows for this.
Speaker:Number two.
Speaker:Say you'll hold space for something, instead of calling it a goal.
Speaker:Holding space is typically used in the context of therapy or coaching.
Speaker:It's when you put your own judgments And you don't have an agenda.
Speaker:So it creates space for openness and possibility without any expectations.
Speaker:It can be like that with goals too.
Speaker:We can set the idea of a specific goal aside and instead be
Speaker:open to progress of any kind.
Speaker:Towards a state of being, or the kind of person you want to
Speaker:be and see what might show up.
Speaker:So for instance, you could hold space for working out this week.
Speaker:And it makes it so that if you work out three times, that's great.
Speaker:But even once we'll be good.
Speaker:As opposed to my goal is to work out three times this week.
Speaker:And if you work out once you feel like you missed the mark, I really
Speaker:liked this framework that allows you to celebrate any progress.
Speaker:Not just hitting the bull's eye, but also getting close.
Speaker:Number three.
Speaker:Is to consider anti goals, What don't you want to do?
Speaker:My planner actually has this baked in.
Speaker:There's a place in the corner where I can list five things each
Speaker:week that I don't want to do.
Speaker:And it prompts me to think about what actions do I want to avoid,
Speaker:like comparing myself to others or picking fights with my partner.
Speaker:Or impulse buys.
Speaker:And what states do I want to avoid?
Speaker:So maybe that's impatience procrastination or perfectionism.
Speaker:While auntie goals might seem kind of counterintuitive.
Speaker:They basically give us a benchmark of failure to avoid.
Speaker:It allows us to be really flexible with growth and progress while
Speaker:still remaining true to the vision of ourselves that we want.
Speaker:It reminds me of an interview with Greg McKeown.
Speaker:The author of essential ism.
Speaker:In an interview about goal setting.
Speaker:He encourages people to ask, am I making it harder than it needs
Speaker:Because sometimes it can be about not doing the thing you don't want
Speaker:to do instead of doing the thing that you think you want to do.
Speaker:So using this example of exercise, instead of my goal is to go
Speaker:to the gym three times a week.
Speaker:It could I don't want to feel unhealthy.
Speaker:Or inactive or sedentary.
Speaker:I don't want to go a full week without breaking a sweat.
Speaker:And number four is to do away with goals entirely.
Speaker:The author, Leo Babauta.
Speaker:He wrote the book Zen habits.
Speaker:Says that sometimes the best goal is no goal at all.
Speaker:I was super skeptical, but I did read further to understand.
Speaker:How this approach would actually work.
Speaker:So when you don't set a goal for the week or a month or a year,
Speaker:you're not obsessing over tracking or thinking about next steps.
Speaker:Instead.
Speaker:The ideas to really tune into your passion and your intuition and what feels right.
Speaker:So it allows you to build on your gut instincts and let that lead
Speaker:you towards truly fulfilling goals.
Speaker:And just because you don't have goals, doesn't mean you do nothing.
Speaker:The idea is that what you choose to do is guided not by what you write
Speaker:down with a little checkbox next to it, but by what your heart or
Speaker:your gut is telling you to do next.
Speaker:This obviously wouldn't work in all contexts.
Speaker:Like if you're saving for your kid's college or you have a goal to pay
Speaker:off your mortgage, but for some things in life, it could make sense.
Speaker:So using the example of exercise.
Speaker:I suppose this means trying different movements and exercises and noticing how
Speaker:that makes you feel and just keep doing the things that feel most rewarding.
Speaker:The doing of something without quantifying anything would be gratifying enough.
Speaker:These four approaches feel like much more compassionate frameworks.
Speaker:Towards quote unquote, goal setting.
Speaker:Then some more rigid structures that we might be used to.
Speaker:So to recap, When you find yourself frustrated with a lack
Speaker:of progress towards a personal goal that you've set for yourself.
Speaker:Ask am I living in alignment with my values?
Speaker:And then what's the cost of accomplishing this goal.
Speaker:And if you are living in alignment with your values and you don't.
Speaker:Want to compromise those values.
Speaker:Ask, how can you redefine success?
Speaker:How can you tweak this goal?
Speaker:Given your circumstances?
Speaker:And do so in a way that respects your values and priorities.
Speaker:And some of the alternatives We went through our setting an
Speaker:intention versus setting a goal.
Speaker:Holding space for possibility.
Speaker:Creating anti goals.
Speaker:And maybe even having no goals
Speaker:Life and its pressures, ebb and flow.
Speaker:So when you're in a place like I was when you have motivation and desire,
Speaker:but lack the time and predictability.
Speaker:Perhaps you could try one of these approaches and see if they work for you.
Speaker:I've been trying be setting intention and holding space approaches.
Speaker:And so far so good.
Speaker:I feel like there's been a fluidity in the chunks of my free
Speaker:time in my evenings and days.
Speaker:And while I don't necessarily have a long list of checked off
Speaker:boxes, I still feel accomplished.
Speaker:And I have way less stress and guilt.
Speaker:And that is a goal worth achieving.
Speaker:Thanks so much for joining me today.
Speaker:It takes action to claim something.
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Speaker:up for herself and her daughter.
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Speaker:May we know them?
Speaker:May we be them?
