The Parent Compass: How's Yours Working? // with Cindy Muchnick

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appreciate the child you have in front of you, not the one

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you are trying to inauthentically create.

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Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Welcome to know them.

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Be them, raise them a show to help busy, mindful.

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Growth oriented moms that stay informed and inspired.

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As they navigate their daughters, crucial tween and teen years.

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I'm your host Carmelita two.

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So, have you ever made your kids stick with an activity?

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Even if they don't like.

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It.

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Do you wonder if you're talking too much on your kids' behalf or maybe not enough?

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Do you.

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You want your kids to get straight?

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A's and secretly.

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We get a little thrill.

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If they say, I think I want to go to Stanford or Harvard.

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Harvard or Yale.

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And then you kind of feel anxious about the pressure and tuition.

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Well, today's guest Cindy Mutchnick.

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Co-wrote a book.

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To help us navigate this balance.

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And wonkiness.

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And calibrate our parent Compass's if you will.

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Cindy graduated from Stanford university and is an expert.

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Spurt in the college admissions process.

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She got her start in admissions offices offices at IIT and

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the university of Chicago.

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Where she screened and reviewed over 3000 applications and

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interviewed perspective students.

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It's along the way.

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She also opened a private study skills practice.

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And college counseling business in southern california which she ran

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for over 15 years helping Hundreds of high school students Navigate

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their academic journeys, Including the dreaded Did college applications.

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Since closing her private educational practice in 2011, cindy is a professional

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speaker and panelist for a variety of education related topics Ana.

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And she's a prolific Brighter.

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Her most recent book, the parent compass navigating your teens

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wellness and academic journey in today's competitive world,

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Is her 10th.

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And i invited her on to talk about it

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So now that you know that she knows her stuff when It comes to teens high school

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stress academics College competitiveness Et cetera Here's our conversation

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Well, welcome Cindy.

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I'm so thrilled to have you.

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Thank you, Kat.

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It's great to be here to finally chat with

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:02:11

Yes.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:02:12

Well, let's dive right into it.

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Uh, you've written a book, called The Parent Compass.

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I'd love to hear you tell us in your own words, what's the main message behind

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this title and how did you come up with the idea, what does it mean, et cetera.

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Sure.

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So, so the parent Compass, the longer title is Navigating Your

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Teens Wellness and Academic Journey in Today's Competitive World.

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And so it's basically, written with kind of two goals in mind.

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One, to help preserve the mental health of teens and tweens as they go

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through these kind of tricky years.

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And also to help preserve the parent teen relationship, which is really what

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all you're left with once they've left the home and headed off on their own.

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And so the idea for the book actually came out, um, in early 2019 when the

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college admission scandal erupted, also known as Operation Varsity Blues.

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And our news headlines were splashed with parents who had broken the laws

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and, um, found a side door into.

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The college admissions process and really, um, cheated their own kids

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and cheated themselves, and just behaved incredibly badly by, um,

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you know, falsifying test scores, falsifying student resumes, falsifying

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application information, et cetera.

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And I called my colleague Jen Curtis, who is now co-author of the Parent

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Compass with me, and the two of us just couldn't believe what we were seeing.

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We felt just got punched basically.

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We had both been working in private college counseling, with

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students for many, many years.

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So we've always worked with teens and we felt like some of what we were seeing in

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our offices were the results of parents that weren't resorting to bribery and

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fraud, but were somehow, um, causing some other damage in their efforts to

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support their kids that, you know, were kind of coming from a place of love,

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but they were a little bit too involved and too overbearing in the process.

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And we said, you know what?

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If we tried to remedy.

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You know, not the college admission scandal, but just the

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parents behaving badly piece.

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And so we wrote originally what we wanted to be an etiquette book, which was a book

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to teach parents to kind of behave better.

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And then it evolved into this real, what we're calling kind

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of the parent compass movement.

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This idea that we as parents need to be better at checking ourselves and

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making sure that the messages and the ways that we're parenting our.

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Are setting them up for a really positive, you know, experience in their lives.

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And because we care so much about them and we love them so fiercely,

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we sometimes smother and tiger and helicopter and, become that parent

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that we really don't wanna be.

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And in doing so, we are creating kids that are cannot self-advocate,

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that are fragile, that can't make their own appointments, that can't

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speak for themselves, that are really feeling like they're being paraded

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around as their parents' trophy.

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And I think that's not really what we want, but somehow this

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behavior is, you know, petering down and, affecting our kids.

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So we wanna kind of help this generation of tweens and teens by

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teaching parents to do things a little bit better and a little differently.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:05:20

One of the things you mentioned, Advocacy

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and, and children's needing to be advocates for themselves.

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Can you talk a little more about that and, you know, how

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do we go about teaching that?

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Absolutely.

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So it's such a good question, Kat.

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You know, self-advocacy, I know you have girls in middle school.

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Self-advocacy can start even younger.

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Self-advocacy can begin when we let our kids struggle as they tie their shoes.

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And, um, when we go to a restaurant, um, having them order for themselves, or ask

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for their own refill of a glass of water.

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Or when you take them to the doctor, letting them say their age and

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their birthday and what's wrong.

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But, um, when you go into tweens and teens, the self-advocacy piece

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really becomes more how kids can communicate with other adults that are

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not you other adults in their lives.

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The teachers, the coaches, um, Whoever it is in their life that's involved

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in some way, it has to start to become the child's voice in communicating.

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So when your kid comes home from practice and says, oh, it was awful and this and

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that, and this wasn't fair, instead of picking up the phone and calling the

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coach, you can say, wow, you know, it sounds like you're really frustrated.

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You know, how do you think that could look different or what, what might

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we be able to do or what might you be able to do to, to change that?

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And sometimes they just wanna vent and get things out and not have a solution or a

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solution presented because the last thing we wanna do is fix everything for them.

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Which is another hard thing cuz that goes with the self-advocacy piece.

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When we are looking to fix, we're doing that from a place of

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love, but we're taking away their opportunity to figure it out.

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So the self-advocacy piece I think comes in the most clearly when, for example, in

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middle school, they start to have certain issues with teachers perhaps, and maybe

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they felt like something wasn't fair.

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Or maybe their seat is in the back of the room and they wanna move up closer cause

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they're having trouble seeing the board.

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It's not up to you to send the email as the parent, it's up to you maybe to

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role play with your kid or say, how can you communicate that with your teacher?

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Um, do you wanna send them an email or be better to ask in person and then

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you can practice that together or you can help them in a light way, draft an

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email, but it should come from them.

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And when you start to plant those seeds of self-advocacy where they

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feel empowered to be the one to talk to their teachers and to talk to the

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adults in their lives, then by the time they get to high school, you should

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really be really out of the picture.

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In that communication.

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In middle school, you're still going to parent-teacher conferences and

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you're still a little more involved.

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And obviously if there's impropriety or something very

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extreme, you have to be involved.

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But we're talking about day-to-day situations.

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Your kid gets a bad grade, your kid, you know, gets in an argument with a

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friend at school, whatever the things are that they can go to the school

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counselor, they can go to the teacher.

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Um, that should be the first line of defense and you can help equip them to

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do that by allowing them to do that.

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And so I think parents need to kind of learn to zip their lips a little

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more and restrain themselves so that their kids can be the ones who speak.

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And that's self-advocacy.

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It's one of the greatest gifts you can give your kids because it equips

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them to know what they wanna go after and to feel like if they go after

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it and they communicate it and they don't get it, at least they asked.

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Right.

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They didn't wonder.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:08:39

Yeah.

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You know, thank you for those examples of maybe you help them draft the email,

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but the email should come from them, or you have this role play discussion, but

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they're the ones having the discussion.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:08:51

Because I think that sometimes feels like a murky gray area for me, where

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I know I want my kid to do something, but I might have to hold their hand in

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:09:01

this process, and it's okay to do that.

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What I would also add is, I'm a big fan

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of old school index cards.

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I think that you can sit down with your kids and when they go talk to

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their teachers, sometimes they get nervous or they feel like this is a,

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you know, this is a powerful person that I'm going to ask something of.

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Well, you can put down a couple bullet points on the index cards that they write

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themselves and they can bring that into their meeting and say, I didn't wanna

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forget, so I wrote some things down.

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And make sure before you leave, you've said the things on your index card so you

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can feel heard, and such a simple tool.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:09:35

Yeah.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:09:35

And I do the same thing when I need to remember something.

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I always write it down and I'm staring at my notebook before

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I'm talking in a meeting on Zoom.

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So why not give them that same tool as a way to help make sure they feel heard,

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because ultimately that's what we want and what they will feel most proud of.

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Definitely.

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And you know it when you mentioned I do that too.

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That's the other piece is the modeling.

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So I think we all know, you know, modeling good technology habits, modeling good

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listening skills, my co-author, has a background in social work and so she

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has taught me a lot about good question asking and good listening, and we have

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a whole chapter dedicated to that and the parent compass that will really

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help parents ask open-ended questions.

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If they're kids when they get home from school, it's usually how is your day?

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And you get this almost nothing for an answer.

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You get an eye roll or a one

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sentence if you're lucky, or a grunt, a grunt, a good.

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So we, um, we consulted, um, question experts

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And we distilled them down to about 40 or 50 good, you know, different kinds

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of questions to ask our kids so that we can learn more about them and, , to

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have them kind of take the lead.

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So anyway,

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:10:42

that now.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:10:43

So we've touched on kind of ways and at what age we can lean into

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giving up control of the wheel and letting our kids step into place.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:10:53

And I, I find myself sometimes second guessing, am I doing too much?

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Am I doing too little?

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Should I be more involved?

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how do you know if you're being a helicopter parent or being a tiger mom?

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:11:05

, do you have any thoughts on that?

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You know, so we explore this, you know, in

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the first chapter of our book.

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And something that you mentioned was, questioning yourself and wondering,

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is it too much, is it too little?

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And we all bring to our parenting lenses, our own personal histories.

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So when we look back at the way we were raised, and what your parents' involvement

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or not involvement was, or their style or the way that they viewed education or what

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your own education background was and what you wish for for your kids, et cetera.

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, we finished writing the parent Compass and we realized in really

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important chapter was missing, which we call basically, I think you, you

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have to look backward in order to

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look forward, or something like that, where we asked the readers

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to do this questionnaire, uh,

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Whoever is parenting the kids should try to do this questionnaire.

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And it really goes through you doing a self-examination of your lens

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of what you're bringing and the baggage you bring as the parent.

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And then trying to apply those perspectives to the best ways

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that you can parent your teen.

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And as we know, they're each different.

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So there is one page of our book dedicated to teens, and this

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page is a questionnaire for them.

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And I encourage parents, and I've had great success in the feedback we've

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heard to tell their teen, uh, find the right moment usually involves food.

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And, uh, no technology distracting you.

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But to find the right moment and tell your kid, I wanna be a better mom or

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dad to you, I know I'm not perfect.

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And in order to do that, I need a favor from you.

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I just need five minutes of your time to go through this questionnaire.

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You can, you can answer it out loud to me.

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You can jot down the notes on your phone, but if you answer these questions and

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I've answered my own questions, it's going to give us a springboard to move forward

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and for me to be a better parent to you.

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And when your kids hear you admitting, you're not perfect.

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You're trying to do better.

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You want to improve so that you can have a a better relationship and a

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more positive interaction with them.

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It really kind of equalizes things a bit more and puts you more

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shoulder to shoulder with your kids.

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And so, I know I've gone a little bit off the rambling, but how do

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you know when you're that parent?

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I mean, I.

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You, you feel it from the other parents around you almost, you know, the way that

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you're kind of perceived or looked at.

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You also feel it from your teens saying like, mom, like enough, settle down, or,

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this is embarrassing, or that whole thing.

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And I think the way you have to know is just kind of by the self-restraint.

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That you may need to show, but just be a positive for your kid in

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their school community or neutral.

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Just don't be the negative.

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. So, you know, it's also okay to apologize because we all make mistakes.

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So if we've gone too far, we can apologize to our kids.

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We can apologize to a teacher, God forbid, if we have to, or an administrator.

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Um, and we never wanna like jump over the teacher, right?

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So there's this typical thing like, I'm so mad, I'm gonna go

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talk to the administrator or tell the principal or whatever.

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You know, we have to sort of let our kids first navigate things through their

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teacher and through their department and whatever the issue might be, and.

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You know, through the school counselor and then find out if there is a way

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that you need to be involved as a parent.

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And in that case then you talk to the teacher and then maybe it's

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going to the administrator next.

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. But we live and learn as we go through this, and none of us are perfect at this.

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And it is constantly a, you know, a toilet flush of trying to start over.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:14:20

Right.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:14:21

Right.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:14:22

And with every kid it can feel different, you know, with some kids that have a

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:14:25

harder time advocating for themselves, maybe it's maybe that, of shift of

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:14:30

control into their space feels a little later or a little more tenuous, whereas

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there might be, I, I, you know, and then one of my kids is is very much like,

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:14:39

she's already, written emails to her teachers concerned about this or, of

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:14:43

sharing her thoughts on, when things don't feel right or areas for improvement.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:14:48

Then I have another daughter that is very sensitive and empathetic, so is

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:14:53

probably more inclined to give someone the benefit of the doubt uh, you know,

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:14:56

might need a little nudge to say, no, you can feel comfortable asking for this.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:15:00

It's okay to You know, want more or want a change

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:15:03

And you know, I found, um, in having more than one kid

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that they learn from each other too.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:15:07

You know, and, and ironically like the peer support from siblings or from,

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:15:12

you know, the way they model after their peers is way more powerful in

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:15:16

some ways than the parenting support.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:15:18

I mean, there's nothing that makes me feel more full as a parent

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:15:21

than hearing my daughter call her college brother for help in math.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:15:24

And there is that sense of, not just the help, but the way that they

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:15:27

can support each other, that doesn't involve the parent, you know, poking in

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:15:32

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Right, right, right.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:15:34

Um, I wanna go back to something that I just love that you mentioned, which

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:15:38

is this idea of, assessing ourselves as parents giving our kids that ability

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:15:43

to, stand up for their thoughts and their opinions and knowing that they'll

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:15:47

be heard in this really valid way.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:15:48

Not only are modeling your openness to this, which they then can

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:15:52

take further on in their lives.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:15:54

If they're parenting, they're gonna see that as permission to do that

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:15:57

themselves when they have their own kids.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:15:59

But also, um, you're also modeling that willingness to change.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:16:03

I, I love that.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:16:04

Like getting like a parent feedback form, huh?

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:16:06

A little bit like at the end of, at the end of the course you

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:16:09

write your assessment , you know,

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:16:11

. But yeah, it's complicated, right?

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:16:12

I mean, parenting is so emotional.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:16:15

It's 24 7.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:16:17

It never, you know, ends even when they're out of your home.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:16:20

And, you know, what happened to our kind of world over the last.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:16:25

I don't know, 10 or 20 years has become this like competition between parents,

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:16:30

which there's actually a term competitive parenting, um, if you can believe it.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:16:34

And this sense that like our kids are these sort of trophies and these

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:16:37

direct reflections on who we are.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:16:39

And honestly, I tell parents a lot.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:16:42

Um, we had our turn to be teenagers and we did with it what we did

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:16:47

with it, and now it's their turn.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:16:49

So the best thing I think we really can do is just support them

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:16:52

in what it is that excites them, what it is that interests them.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:16:58

And um, At some point your kids are gonna express to you like, I

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:17:00

don't really wanna do this anymore, or, can I try something else?

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:17:03

And some kids just wanna sample everything.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:17:05

They just wanna try and try and try and may never settle on their one thing.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:17:10

And, um, we've become a world of, like perfectionism and starting one

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:17:14

activity early in putting in your 10,000 hours and, you know, never,

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:17:18

you know, leaving that activity.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:17:19

And we, tell a story in our book.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:17:22

A boy that, um, I met while on a family tour bus, a couple

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:17:25

of years ago with my kids.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:17:26

And he was an only child traveling alone with his parents and about the age of

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:17:30

my teenage boys, um, high school age.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:17:33

And we started talking and I said, you know, what, kinds of activities

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:17:37

do you like to do after school?

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:17:38

And he said, well, I, I've, I'm always done diving, but I really want to quit.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:17:44

And the parents kind of turned red and they're like, well, he

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:17:46

doesn't really mean that He only has one more year before college.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:17:49

And, and, um, he kind of turned red and he is like, well, no, mom and

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:17:52

dad, I've always wanted to quit.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:17:54

You just won't let me quit.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:17:55

And it became this like, sort of argument that we were

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:17:58

observing as this other family.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:18:00

So I said to him, oh, what kinds of other things.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:18:02

Would you do instead or would you wanna do?

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:18:04

And he said, well, I mean, I'd like to go to the prom for one thing.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:18:07

I'd like to write an article for my school newspaper.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:18:10

I'd like to do some photography.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:18:12

And suddenly it became this really awkward conversation, you know, the

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:18:16

parents were like, well, you know, you've gotta do this for college.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:18:18

And he's like, yeah, I don't even wanna dive in college anymore.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:18:21

and so anyway, it became this.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:18:24

Crazy sort of catalyst for a very deep conversation between me and my kids.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:18:28

Cuz when we left that bus ride, I said to them, I said, are any of you guys

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:18:31

doing things that you really don't wanna be doing anymore, because life

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:18:33

is too short and you do not have to do anything for us or to please us?

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:18:37

You know?

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:18:38

And it was just so interesting the way they observed it, that there were

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:18:41

these parents kind of quote, forcing their kid to see through this activity.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:18:45

And I just think it's so hard for us to let go because we invest in the

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:18:48

sidelines and in the driving and in the equipment and in the coaching and

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:18:52

all those things that we'd make it more about us and less about them.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:18:56

And that's kind of the shift where.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:18:59

You know, by the time they get to college , um, we have to sort of

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:19:03

have given them these tools that they can take forward and, and let

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:19:08

them do the things that they enjoy.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:19:10

And our job is really, I think, to support that as best we can or are able to do.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:19:14

yeah.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:19:15

And.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:19:16

I love it.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:19:17

No, no Well, something that came up for you, me as you were talking too,

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:19:20

is if parents have a tendency to want to get really involved, they may be

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:19:26

inadvertently squelching their intuition You know, so their, their kid might

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:19:30

lose sight of what's important to them.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:19:32

What really are their values?

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:19:34

Whether they like something because other people like, like

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:19:37

them more when they do it, or do they really intrinsically like it?

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:19:40

I, I feel like I had to work through that on a couple activities where

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:19:46

I thought, I've been doing this for how long, or I'm pursuing this,

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:19:50

do I really want this anymore?

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:19:51

Or did I really even want it in the first place?

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:19:55

And you kind of wonder, why did I want it?

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:19:57

Where did those messages come from?

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:19:59

To what end?

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:19:59

To what end.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:20:00

Right.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:20:01

You know?

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:20:02

Yeah.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:20:02

it sounds like you're really encouraging parents

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:20:04

to steer clear of behavior that might derail your kids from being able

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:20:09

to identify for themselves what's important, what's true, what's authentic.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:20:14

Um, because at the end of the day, that's, that's going to be the

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:20:17

thing that makes them the happiest.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:20:18

Yeah, you just, you just put all the words together,

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:20:21

which is a quote right from our book, which says, appreciate the child you

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:20:24

have in front of you, not the one you are trying to inauthentically create.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:20:30

Ugh,

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:20:31

So appreciate that kid in whatever their things are

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:20:36

as as different as they may be from everything you've ever envisioned for

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:20:40

them or that you know anything about.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:20:42

Right.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:20:43

And then, Support them through that and let them know that,

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:20:47

you know, you support that.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:20:48

And if they change their mind, you'll support that too

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:20:51

and that you're there for them because, um, a Wise podcast

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:20:55

interviewer, a psychologist named Dr.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:20:57

Dan Peters once told us that once your kids leave your home, the only thing you

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:21:02

have left behind is the relationship.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:21:04

that you have with them.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:21:05

And if you don't kind of work at that foundation in the years that they're

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:21:10

with you, and the way that you do that is you, you know, get shoulder to shoulder

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:21:15

and you sup show them that you care and you're willing to change and you're

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:21:19

trying your best and you know, you support their interests and you are there for the

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:21:25

setbacks and failures to, you know, Let them cry through it or hug 'em through

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:21:30

it or whatever it might be, but not to fix it and manipulate it and manage it.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:21:36

because again, once your kids leave your home, the only thing you have

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:21:41

left behind is the relationship.

Cynthia Muchnick: 00:21:43

that you have with them.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:21:48

Whew.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:21:49

That last quote really struck me.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:21:52

I'm so grateful for the reminder that the goal, when we're raising kids.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:21:56

Isn't to check off all of.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:21:58

These boxes of.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:21:59

What society or cultural expectations or what have you kind of are telling

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:22:05

us we should prioritize and want it.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:22:07

Really is to show up for our kids authentically and with vulnerability,

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:22:12

to raise a reasonably healthy and happy human and love them as

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:22:17

hard as we can just as they are.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:22:20

So here are today's key takeaways from my conversation with Cindy.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:22:24

Number one, we as parents need to be better at checking ourselves and

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:22:28

making sure that the messages and the ways that we're parenting our kids.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:22:31

Are setting them up for a positive life experience.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:22:35

Number two.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:22:36

If we tiger and helicopter and get over involved in our kids' lives.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:22:40

We're doing a disservice to our kids.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:22:43

It may come from a place of love.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:22:45

But we're taking away opportunities for them to grow.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:22:48

And we're making it harder for them to trust their intuition.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:22:51

And know what they truly want.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:22:53

Because we override their desires and opinions with ours.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:22:57

Number three.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:22:58

Self-advocacy is one of the greatest gifts you can give your kids.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:23:02

Because it gives them a tool to go after what they want.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:23:04

You can help by say looking over their email or role-playing a conversation or

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:23:10

suggesting that they use index cards.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:23:12

So they can make sure they say everything they want, but around

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:23:15

middle school, they should be the ones having the talk or hitting send.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:23:19

And by high school, we want them to be able to advocate for

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:23:22

themselves in day to day situations.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:23:23

At school.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:23:25

Number four, ask your kids for feedback on your parenting.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:23:29

You can say.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:23:30

I want to be a better mom to you.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:23:32

I know I'm not perfect.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:23:33

And I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:23:35

You can use a questionnaire in the parent compass.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:23:38

If you'd like some structure and guidance, it can be a dynamic

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:23:41

and powerful experience because you're showing your kids.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:23:44

That you're open to growth and that their opinions matter.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:23:48

Number five, you have to look backward to look forward.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:23:51

Do a self.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:23:51

Examination of what insights and baggage you're bringing to the parenting table.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:23:56

And.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:23:56

Be ready to shift and change So you aren't passing along

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:23:59

Anything that you don't want to

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:01

Number six.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:02

Appreciate the child you have in front of you, not the one you are

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:06

trying to inauthentically create.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:09

Our job is to support our kids and their interests as best we

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:12

can, no matter how much that might differ from what we'd envisioned.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:17

to learn more about Cindy and her work and to learn more about

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:20

the book, the parent compass.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:22

Visit parent compass book.com.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:25

Facebook@facebook.com slash.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:27

The parent compass, or you can follow her on Instagram at.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:32

Parent compass.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:34

I am so grateful for you listening today.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:36

Um, I know you.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:37

You have a choice on what you listen to so I'm eternally grateful if

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:41

you haven't done so already with.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:42

The love of Spotify or apple review.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:45

A follow on Instagram at Novi.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:47

He raised them and do feel free to check out my website.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:50

At Nobi raised them.com if you'd like to reach out with topics.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:54

Suggestions comments, et cetera.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:56

That's an easy avenue To do so.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:24:58

I hope you have a wonderful rest of the week And here's to strong

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:25:02

women may we know them may we be them and may we raise them